Underworld: Evolution.

Review #2527: Underworld: Evolution.

Cast:

Kate Beckinsale (Selene; Lily Mo Sheen as young Selene), Scott Speedman (Michael Corvin), Tony Curran (Markus Corvinus), Derek Jacobi (Alexander Corvinus / Lorenz Macaro), Steven Mackintosh (Andreas Tanis), Shane Brolly (Kraven), Bill Nighy (Viktor), Zita Görög (Amelia), and Brian Steele (William Corvinus) Directed by Len Wiseman (#320 - Live Free or Die Hard, #1916 - Underworld, #2388 - Ballerina)

Review: 

Admittedly, I was a bit hesitant to actually get back to the sequel to Underworld (2003), mainly because I had a funny feeling it was going to sink below the level of the first movie, which surprised me in being average goofy entertainment that was at least endearing for one watch. You've got leather-clad folks, guns, and some war that tries to make werewolves sound cool by calling them "Lycans", how could one go wrong? You might remember there was a vampire assassin and a vampire/lycan hybrid that had to run off because of the death of an elder vampire and the accidental spilling of blood onto a sleeping vampire elder. For whatever reason, now there is a talisman in the proceedings to go along with tombs and family reunions. Len Wiseman and Danny McBride returned to write the story together while McBride wrote the screenplay. The relative success of the film with audiences obviously led to further films. Wiseman and McBride ended up contributing to the next Underworld film, a prequel directed by Patrick Tatpoulos with Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009). The next sequel came with Underworld: Awakening in 2012.

It really does sting sometimes to say that a movie is just not that good. Sure, it isn't in the bottom of the barrel and it definitely has some appeal for those who got really into the idea of leather-clad slugfests with ideas of "lore"...but it just rings hollow in the final result in trying to pursue the series as a "franchise". Beyond the blue filter that basically pervades one's eyes over and over, the movie crashes and burns at the feet of being so scattershot that it actually almost becomes funny in spite of its overblown seriousness. You get a prologue set in 1202 to look at three vampire elders (with only one of them actually mattering for the movie at large, since one of them died in the first movie), with one being the son of an immortal and, oh, the brother of the first big bad werewolf. This wolf is put in what is supposed to be a forever jail to hide away from the immortal vampire. You get further explanations (read: ramblings by a vampire historian that we first see with Lycan women) that make you realize that this is going to be one of those fetch quest type of movies but with less Gothic wannabee fun, where only Mackintosh or Jacobi seem interested. As it turned out, this was the last of the movies with both Beckinsale and Speedman, as the latter did not reprise his role for any further films. Even with the sex scene they share together (or whatever you want to call a scene with the most select type of skin shown), they have about as much chemistry as lettuce on a sandwich (nuke the plant from orbit). You would think having a ship in the film (immortals have to go around on their boat miles) would be really big, but nay. You don't even get to have the air of a respectable actor such as Jacobi* for so long because hey, gotta focus on the hybrid stuff, because Curran sure isn't going to provide menace in hybrid-infused world domination. Hybrid hybrid hybrid, hmm? The movie may be a bit gorier and maybe may work better for those who like to see a few computer creatures that look decent if you actually watch it at night, but calling it a junk movie might almost be a compliment for those who know what they are getting into. Being a notch below a movie that was average as the day that it was created is a negative thing, but at least you can say they tried.

Overall, I give it 6 out of 10 stars.

Song of the day!

*Derek Jacobi, otherwise known as the only interesting incarnation of the Master in the 21st century, and yes, I'm still mad his incarnation got killed off that quickly. Sorry, I meant Sir Derek Jacobi, famous Tony Award-winning actor. Hey, I don't do the theater.

The Karate Kid Part III.

Review #2526: The Karate Kid Part III.

Cast: 

Ralph Macchio (Daniel LaRusso), Pat Morita (Mr. Miyagi), Thomas Ian Griffith (Terry Silver), Robyn Lively (Jessica Andrews), Sean Kanan (Mike Barnes), William Christopher Ford (Dennis de Guzman), Jonathan Avildsen (Snake), Martin Kove (John Kreese), with Randee Heller (Lucille LaRusso), Pat E. Johnson (Referee), Rick Hurst (Announcer), and Frances Bay (Mrs. Milo) Directed by John G. Avildsen (#003 - Rocky, #895 - Rocky V, #1689 - W.W. and the Dixie Dancekings, #1759 - The Karate Kid, #2203 - The Karate Kid Part II)

Review: 

I suppose The Karate Kid could only go so long. You might remember that the second movie was a moderately entertaining movie, albeit one that basically only worked on the thinnest of ideas: exploring Mr. Miyagi and why anybody would want to depart Okinawa Island (okay and Miyagi defended himself against Kreese before giving him a honk on the nose) that was made purely for crowd-pleasing. You might remember Robert Mark Kamen had written the first two films and was totally fine with writing a third film...albeit with a twist. He actually envisioned a film that would be set as a flashback (read: a dream) to "16th century China" that basically would've aimed to be a Hong Kong kung fu movie, complete with wanting a woman cast as the lead. But the producers did not want to do this, and Kamen initially rejected writing the script. However, when the producers couldn't find people to do a proper draft, Kamen was lured into doing it for a boatload of money. The plans to focus on Kove's character went down the tubes because Kove was busy with the TV show Hard Time on Planet Earth, which necessitated the character of Silver. With a middling script but with a mostly intact crew* that included John G. Avildsen directing and serving as co-editor again, the movie was a moderate success with audiences but not nearly as much as the last two films for everyone involved, with Avildsen later calling it a "horrible imitation of the original" (ironic coming from the director of Rocky V, no?). Truly, there were never any more Karate Kid movies again. Until they did a "Next" one in 1994 with just Morita returning. Or a remake in 2010. Or whatever the hell "Cobra Kai" was in 2018*. Or a "Legends" movie in 2025 with Macchio. But hey.

The real disappointment is that the movie is 111 minutes long. The best parts of the movie don't come from its lead actors, the best parts come from laughing at the sheer ridiculousness that is displayed on screen. The dynamic between Lively and Macchio basically was dynamited from the get-go of the fact that Macchio was, well, 27 at the time of filming and that Lively was, well, eleven years younger (incidentally, Macchio is four months older than Griffith, who is meant to be a buddy of Kove's character...from the Vietnam War). You might say, hey, a platonic relationship might be interesting to explore besides the usual fare of action dramas. Unfortunately, neither look like they want to be anywhere near each other, as if one was watching mannequins. Macchio looks like he is ready to be on the beach or anywhere else besides doing karate, but I will say that Morita has the more thankless role of basically getting nothing to grab onto besides the same song-and-dance of defending himself in karate situations. The old man you see at the supermarket probably is more invested in what he is doing than Morita, arguably. Griffith basically gets the chance to ham it up and accelerates it to levels you could only dream to do, which unfortunately doesn't help when you realize that Kanan doesn't really make for a suitable force to face Macchio (all they can think of is to have the character straight up commit crimes like to hold him hostage on a cliff). You've got a lead that basically talks like he attended the Rocky Balboa School of Dialogue to go along with basically nothing for Morita to do besides talking in platitudes and then Griffith shows up to ham up the screen. It's not enough that Griffith is playing the buddy of Kove (sent to Tahiti), he comes up with the most ridiculously complicated scheme to get revenge for his compadre*: He gets Daniel to want to compete at the All-Valley Tournament (remember that this is set one year after the first film) by hiring a dude to go around harassing Daniel into wanting to fight while Miyagi is focused on the bonsai shop (don't ask). Then he ingratiates himself with Daniel in order to train him that basically leads to him torturing Daniel in the regimen. Finally, after revealing his ruse when Daniel wises up...that is when Miyagi decides to help train Daniel at the tournament all along (conveniently, the "defending champion" only has to do one match). Did I mention that Silver's character is also an evil businessman? At least you know what is going to happen in the end, but the karate is just what you saw before, although I will say it is amusing that the movie straight up just ends after the final match, as if they knew that there was nowhere to go up or down from. As a whole, you get a movie that satisfies nobody, does nothing particularly interesting, and satisfies only the most bored of completionist people imaginable. It's a middle of the road movie in the most insulting of ways possible.

Overall, I give it 5 out of 10 stars.

song of the day!

 

*Cinematographer James Crabe, who shot the last two films, had to withdraw due to being severely ill due to AIDS, which he passed away from in 1989.

*I heard that Cobra Kai has Kreese and Silver get into a fight to the death? What?

*Go Padres?

Godzilla vs. Gigan.

Review #2525: Godzilla vs. Gigan.

Cast: 

Hiroshi Ishikawa (Gengo Odaka), Tomoko Umeda (Machiko Shima), Yuriko Hishimi (Tomoko Tomoe), Mnoru Takashima (Shosaku Takasugi), Zan Fujita (Fumio Sudo), Toshiaki Nishizawa (Kubota, Secretary of World Children's Land), Kunio Murai (Takashi Shima), Gen Shimizu (the Commander of Defense Forces), Kuniko Ashihara (Mrs. Fudo), Zeko Nakamura (Priest), Akio Muto (Kadohisa), with Haruo Nakajima (Godzilla), Kenpachiro Satsuma (Gigan), Koetsu Omiya (Anguirus), and Kanta Ina (King Ghidorah) Directed by Jun Fukuda (#1668 - Ebirah, Horror of the Deep, #2070 - Son of Godzilla) 

Review: 

At this point, the Godzilla movies were appearing to be running on fumes. Sure, Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971) was only a moderate success (hey, decent taste comes a bit later for others), but there was still the desire to try and make people all fine with another Godzilla movie by just...bringing back familiar aspects. You get King Ghidorah, a new monster with Gigan (with hooks and a saw) and, for whatever reason, a Godzilla Tower (as one does when trying to appeal to the kids, a park). Shinichi Sekizawa and Kaoru Mabuchi were each approached to do a draft with these requirements in mind, and it was Sekizawa's pitch that won out (apparently, Kimura's pitch involved a large-brain looking alien trying to subjugate the Earth and putting his form into a giant Inca statue). A majority of the soundtrack is recycled cues from previous films that had been composed by Akira Ifukube (even stuff that had been composed for a pavilion at Expo '70 is used). Stock footage from four of the previous films is used for select fight scenes (complete with color tinting), but you get a few new quirks: the monsters shed blood and in one instance, they communicate with each other (the Godzilla-Angurius sequence differs depending on which version you see, as the Japanese version [which translates to "Earth Destruction Directive: Godzilla vs. Gigan"] had speech bubbles like a comic book while the original English-dub [named Godzilla on Monster Island], had distorted growling). For such a familiar movie, it probably wasn't too much of a stretch to say that the movie was enough of a hit to keep the series going while Fukuda returned for one more of these films with Godzilla vs. Megalon in 1973, otherwise known as the one with Jet Jaguar.

Honestly, the bar for a Godzilla for me is a fairly generous one, because what's the point of just judging in comparing them to the 1954 movie over and over if you know that we are in period of Godzilla movies where "light fun" is the goal? Besides, this is a movie that just decides that King Ghidorah is alive when folks saw him killed three movies ago because, well, it's not 1999 like that other movie. I will say though that even if this is basically the equivalent of day-old chili, there are some amusing moments to be had here. I suppose it only makes sense that a group of aliens could come up with a children's park with Godzilla as the centerpiece (I wonder when Godzilla basically became the "defender of the planet" if people who had experienced Godzilla's terror had to just sit there and watch people go ga-ga for Godzilla*), but I probably would be a big sucker for a Godzilla park (it's real, apparently?) at any rate. Where was I? Oh, right, the movie: you've got these totally normal guys trying to get a tape back from a group of oddballs: a manga-drawing artist that stumbles onto a girl trying to get their brother back (who was being held by the park because, um, they needed his input) that had a hippie helping them out. Oh, and there's a woman who does karate in one scene. Did I mention that the aliens actually resemble cockroaches that go around disguising themselves as humans? The acting here (as comprised of by faces that most probably didn't see again in a movie) isn't anything too special aside from chuckles at the seeming randomness of their situation, with the cherry on top is their key part of the climax: they put up explosives onto an elevator, expecting the bad guys to shoot their weapons, because, wait for it: the elevator rings to reveal a large drawing. Aside from Godzilla (as played one last time by Haruo Nakajima) being lasered in the lower section and a few silly shots to introduce Gigan and Ghidorah (which look like toys), it mainly just comes off as an attempt at a highlights reel that has the one saving grace of being just 89 minutes long. As a whole, Fukuda was in a tough spot with cheap production values, and it is easy to send chuckles at the attempts to sell old clips as new, but there is at least some entertainment value to be had with its strange type of charm that shines enough to at least make the experience end up as not being a complete head-scratcher. 

Overall, I give it 6 out of 10 stars.

Song of the day!

*This basically leads to a horrible thought - imagine if that Godzilla park was real, and a person invites someone that they didn't realize had seen destruction as a child and it basically gives them PTSD in front of all the children.

For the purposes of having a reference of previous Godzilla movies, inquire here: 

The original 1954 classic and its decent 1955 sequel

King Kong vs. Godzilla (1962) - Godzilla fights King Kong to a relative draw.

Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964) - Mothra joins the mash!

Ghidorah, the Three-Headed Monster (1964) - A monster so important it made the title

Invasion of Astro-Monster (1965) - Nick Adams in: Spaceman's Adventure

Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966) - Terrorists, lobsters, and more.

Son of Godzilla (1967) - A real family drama

Destroy All Monsters (1968) - Mash like it's 1999 in Monsterland

All Monsters Attack (1969) - Children and Minilla have to fight their own battles instead of Godzilla

Godzilla vs. Hedorah (1971) - Trippy environmentally hip fun for the whole family