Thanksgiving (2023).

Review #2152: Thanksgiving.

Cast: 

Patrick Dempsey (Sheriff Eric Newlon), Nell Verlaque (Jessica), Addison Rae (Gabby), Jalen Thomas Brooks (Bobby), Milo Manheim (Ryan), Rick Hoffman (Thomas Wright), Gina Gershon (Amanda Collins), Tomaso Sanelli (Evan), Gabriel Davenport (Scuba), Jenna Warren (Yulia), Karen Cliche (Kathleen), and Jeff Teravainen (Deputy Bret Labelle) Directed by Eli Roth (#2117 - Cabin Fever)

Review: 

"We said, 'Let's pretend Thanksgiving was a movie from 1980 that was so offensive that every print was destroyed. All the scripts were burned. The director disappeared. The crew members changed their names. One person saved the trailer and uploaded it to the darkest corners of 4chan, and now it's made it out. So this is a 2023 reboot.' Once we said that, it freed us up."

Remember Grindhouse? That was the double feature extravaganza (Robert Rodriguez's Planet Terror and Quentin Tarantino's Death Proof) that had a handful of "fake trailers" that were shown before each film. These included the following: Machete (done by Rodriguez), Werewolf Women of the SS (done by Rob Zombie), Don't (done by Edgar Wright), Thanksgiving (done by Eli Roth), and for a good chunk of Canadians, Hobo with a Shotgun (as directed by Jason Eisener). The trailer for Roth's creation showed a setting of Plymouth, Massachusetts with a turkey mascot that gets his head cut off by a guy dressed up as a pilgrim to go with a stunt of a cheerleader being on a trampoline before being cut by a knife. Funny enough, this is now the third of those five "fake trailers" to lead to its own film adaptation, compete with Roth as director here for an R-rated film released in November. Roth and Jeff Rendell (who had played the Pilgrim in the trailer) were huge slasher fans and had wanted to do something involving Thanksgiving and Massachusetts. Of course, the 2007 trailer was the best avenue for shooting just the "best parts" when it came to nudity or gore, but the film is its own thing. Now you have a film where the killer wears the mask of John Carver, who actually was a pioneer involved with the Mayflower voyage in 1620 which resulted in the creation of Plymouth Colony in America. Never let me say I don't try to deliver some sort of interesting notes to look further into on Movie Night.

I enjoyed the film pretty well. It has over-the-top gore and an evident appreciation for the slasher films of the past that would be just fun to put on the holidays just in the same way one might watch New Year's Evil (1980). Sure, there are a handful of previous Thanksgiving slasher films in Home Sweet Home (1981), Blood Rage (1987), and even ThanksKilling (2009), but it is nice to have one that leans in with no hesitation in mayhem here. Some of the stuff for the trailer is done here for the film to go with a handful of other death sequences that might inspire a chuckle. You have a killer that sees a cat after committing the deed that decides the cat must be fed cat food before the scene ends. The film opens where else but a supermarket on Black Friday, because that is how you make an interesting setup: show people at their exaggerated weirdness. Technically, I can't say I've had a Black Friday shopping experience on any of those levels (waiting early to buy things is boring), but I appreciate the time taken to set up mayhem and motivation for whoever may decide revenge is necessary afterwards. Verlaque makes a solid lead to follow in the midst of a group of general one-type people that, well, are set up for you know what. At least they are amusing in the setup to get them in chaos, such as the livestreaming jock in Sanelli or the totally mysterious Brooks that makes for probably the most middle of triangles with Verlaque and Manheim. As long as you make the folks who you know are going to get it seem ripe enough for doom, you've got something neat on the hands. This includes a very large oven and a target practically set up for splatter. Dempsey and Hoffman make quality support among the adults at play in trying to figure out what makes the most sense in dealing with a man in a mask that only speaks near the end and likes public shaming. The eventual reveal at least doesn't stretch credibility when it comes to motivations or eventual outcomes, even with a bit of second -guessing thrown in there. I think I could have done with the final shot of the film, really. You could argue that hey, would-be bait/mess-with-the-audience ideas is fine if you like the film, but sometimes one really should let things lie. Regardless, I enjoyed the mayhem executed by Roth and company for a mostly interesting time spent with slasher tropes that doesn't test one's patience or leave one malnourished for what you would hope from a horror film in theatrical release. 

Overall, I give it 8 out of 10 stars.

Left Behind (2014).

Review #2151: Left Behind.

Cast: 

Nicolas Cage (Rayford Steele), Chad Michael Murray (Cameron "Buck" Williams), Cassi Thomson (Chloe Steele), Nicky Whelan (Hattie Durham), Jordin Sparks (Shasta Carvell), Lea Thompson (Irene Steele), Lance E. Nichols (Pastor Bruce Barnes), William Ragsdale (Chris Smith), Martin Klebba (Melvin Weir), Quinton Aaron (Simon), and Judd Lormand (Jim) Directed by Vic Armstrong.

Review: 

Hey, remember Saving Christmas (2014), that religious film about the holidays with Kirk Cameron that made for quite the doozy for last year's Turkey Week? Well, how about another religious movie to help close this Turkey Week out, this time without the machinations of Cameron that got released in 2014 just as well? Religion is not a particularly strong subject for me, but I think we can draw the line to possibly look at those that try to push the idea of faith-based "entertainment" and, say, Passion of the Christ. Perhaps next year will be something even more drenched in dying for the sins of the hustle. So, what do we have here? In late 1995, Baptist evangelical Christian minister Tim LaHaye and writer Jerry B. Jenkins wrote a novel together called Left Behind. LaHaye came up with the idea of apocalyptic fiction involving the Rapture that made for plenty of notes for Jenkins to write books based on the notes. And yes, the inspiration came because LaHaye saw a married pilot flirting with a flight attendant. In total, there were sixteen books written from 1995 to 2007 to go along with a barrage of novellas done for children fittingly called "Left Behind: The Kids". The book series generated interest for a film that led to rights being optioned by the beginning of the new millennium, which eventually found its way to Cloud Ten Pictures (as founded by the Lalonde brothers of Peter and Paul). The result was a 2000 adaptation that had Kirk Cameron as the lead with an initial direct-to-video release before a limited theatrical release. There were two further direct-to-video sequels, but the funny thing is that LaHaye disliked the films enough to sue the production company, and eventually he gained a chance to do his own film attempt. I particularly like the ambition of wanting to "enter the movie theater with a first-class, high-quality movie that is grippingly interesting, but also is true to the biblical storyline". Anyway, two years after that lawsuit, Cloud Ten got the rights back and decided to begin again with Left Behind, with Paul LaLonde and John Patus doing the screenplay. Vic Armstrong, a stunt coordinator with one directorial credit in Joshua Tree (1993), was hired to direct. In the year of films such as God's Not Dead (2014), Left Behind was a $16 million film that did make a profit of sorts. There have since been two other Left Behind films, one based on the kid novellas and the other being Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist that came out this year, complete with crowdfunding (everyone has a hustle, here's one where someone needs the money to get back up doing all of those books as a multi-film series) and a whole different cast. 

Consider the quotes of LaHaye: "It is the best movie I have ever seen on the rapture" and Jenkins: "I believe it does justice to the novel and will renew interest in the entire series. It's better than good." Now consider the film itself. Do I really need to lay out just how bad the film is? Okay, I'm sure you remember the four selections of Airport films over the years. Each of those were boring in their own ways when it comes to that art of trying to not just be about terror in the skies with growing terrible quality of actual star power and execution. Okay, Left Behind is Airport if it was made by the world's biggest narcoleptic. I can't believe that Nicolas Cage was involved in such a bland film, but my eyes and ears did not lie to me, this was probably the dullest experience you could have that involved a plane. There is no sense of scope with this film, because even the Rapture is handled with such strange lowkey timing. Apparently, all the children are raptured, and I remember that when I was a kid, I once tricked a fellow kid into Googling a certain type of waffle (okay maybe some kids aren't little ba-you get the idea). The cities may look like they are being ravaged by the lack of certain people, but then you see shots that look cleanly free of damaged buildings until the sequel baiting final shot. Religion or not, there is no sense of interest in actually inspiring anything in the viewer when it comes to raptures or in the people that are left over that can only be described in bland platitudes or "the singer that doesn't sing" or "the pirate from Pirates of the Carribean". Who was this movie made for? People who needed 110 minutes to take a nap, or people who need to see what bad editing looks like? It presents boring people with faith and boring people with a lack of it, gee, what a good idea to show the Christian folks. Did the money go to paying the cast or to the accountants? As you might remember, Cage was reported as taking roles left-and-right to help stave off a tax debt around this time. You can see it on display here. He can't give this crap any sort of dramatic heft, particularly since it is mired in autopilot with plane drama that can't even make two planes passing by seem anything other than just a minor inconvenience. Good god, imagine trying to have scenes of would-be adultery-turned-liar revelry with Whelan seem like it was dinner theater night. Murray can at least say a random episode of One Tree Hill had more for him to actually do. Thomson is stuck on the set of the grounds of mildly inconvenient rioting that, you know, this is a film that can't even show the Antichrist, so I'm just going to phone it in here. Klebba being punted out of the plane onto a safe spot is probably the most amusing thing of the whole film. This would make a good doubleheader with Saving Christmas - both films are dubious in their intentions of trying to reach a religious audience, but the latter is repugnant in its construction of "facts" and in its star while this is just straight boring. Unless you want to see what "The Skydivers of religious movies" is, I'd stick to doing anything else than watching this, like hearing a drunk man talk about Israel. But hey, what do I know...

Overall, I give it 1 out of 10 stars.

Congratulations, you have seen the end of Turkey Week 4. What a fun crop of crap, eh? There were plenty of candidates to make the nine-film shortlist that either couldn't be found to satisfy the curiosity or just didn't seem ripe right now, such as: An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, Moment by Moment, The Legend of the Lone Ranger, The Adventures of Ford Fairlane, The Conqueror, An American Hippie In Israel, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Parting Shots, Showgirls, and Striptease.

Turkey Week The Fifth will be November 24-30, 2024 - suggestions are always welcome.

The Lonely Lady.

Review #2150: The Lonely Lady.

Cast: 

Pia Zadora (Jerilee Randall), Lloyd Bochner (Walter Thornton), Bibi Besch (Veronica Randall), Joseph Cali (Vincent Dacosta), Anthony Holland (Guy Jackson), Jared Martin (George Ballantine), Ray Liotta (Joe Heron), Kerry Shale (Walt Thornton, Jr), Sandra Dickinson (Nancy Day), Lou Hirsch (Bernie), Ed Bishop (Doctor Baker), and Shane Rimmer (Adolph Fannon) Directed by Peter Sasdy (#1159 - Taste the Blood of Dracula)

Review: 

I didn't have this film initially in mind for Turkey Week 4, you know. I thought to myself, hey, what was the next film adaptation of Jacqueline Susann's works after Valley of the Dolls (1967). Well, The Love Machine (1971) did seem like an idea, but I found my way to something that might as well be part of it all. The Lonely Lady was a novel released to stores in 1976 by the hands of Harold Robbins. He dedicated the book to Susann (who had died in 1974). Robbins was notable as a writer in his own right, of course; born and raised in New York to Jewish emigrants, he served in the U.S. Navy for a time before going on to work a variety of jobs that even included Universal Pictures. He started writing in 1948 and basically wrote melodramas for the rest of his life, which would see various film adaptations that went from King Creole (released in 1958, after changing the title from the book) to The Adventurers (1970) to The Betsy (1978). He was the kind of racy book writer that lived a life so colorful that had people such as Stephen King say didn't want to end up like him as a "nightmare". Needless to say, Robbins led a strange life that probably would've made for its own film, even if he liked to fib about his upbringing; he died at the age of 81 in 1997. And then there's Pia Zadora. Born in Hoboken, New Jersey to a violinist and wardrobe supervisor, she actually was an actor from a young age, which included what else but Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964). She later married Meshulam Riklis, who wanted to push her as an actress, complete with financing from his company. This would culminate in Butterfly (1982), a film that saw her get critical savaging and a "Newcomer" Golden Globe. Fake-Out (1982) isn't even remembered as the follow-up, because, well, the next one was this film. It all aligns together because Riklis helped out the logjam that Universal Pictures had when it came to doing a film based on that Robbins book that had stalled for years despite having Susan Blakely in mind to star. The eventual screenplay credit went to John Kershaw and Shawn Randall with a story credit for Ellen Shepard. Peter Sasdy never directed another theatrical film after this failure, which had the dubious honor of having an ad campaign lead by John J.B. Wilson, the guy behind the Golden Raspberry Awards who "liked" what he saw (Zadora apparently said that receiving a nomination but not winning would've been something she "hated" - take one guess how that worked out). Robbins called the film crap but liked the fact he received $600,000 before it opened.

I should mention that Zadora called the film a turkey upon release. She had one more star role in her with the B-flick sci-fi musical Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984) and has since been more known for her musical career. It is kind of like watching a perverted cousin of The Oscar (1967), another film involving an awards ceremony setup (but that one had the actual Oscar statuette). It actually is a short film at 92 minutes, and if you avert your eyes as the ridiculous amount of sex scenes, it is even shorter, unless one really needed to see a guy shoot a pool ball at a naked woman on a table. I think the preening title song has the most life next to Zadora when it comes to such ridiculously lowkey acting around it all. Holland is probably the only "normal" person in the film, which includes plenty of perverts and lurid attempts at hard-hitting dialogue that has the impact of light cat scratching. Bochner and Cali might as well be mailing it in from downtown. Zadora may have been the target of criticism because, well, title character, but who could have helped this film? She really tries to show the trouble and toil that come with an industry that seems to value the body of a woman over a body of work and where it can lead someone to go down the road of shame. Of course, skin showing aside, there is nothing for anyone to grab on to because the dynamics of the film are skewed into lame soap opera with no sense of dignity or interest. For a "writer", you see exactly one line of dialogue that she suggests, which really can apply to dubious choices of any kind: "Why?". I can't tell what is most embarrassing in the opening sequence: Zadora supposed to be playing a high schooler among other near 30-somethings or, well, the garden hose moment. The fact that the particular sequence has Ray Liotta (a future member of being in even worse material than this) making his debut is probably a testament that if you can make it there, you can...escape to anywhere. The movie dives into the mud early, puts oil all over said mud and decides lighting a match would be better than the garden hose to top it off. Calling the film silly trash is actually a bigger joke than you think, because this is the kind of movie you show to someone who thought Valley of the Dolls lacked that cheesy factor. The closing sequence takes the cake for such empty dramatic heft that Zadora gamely tries to make stick, for better and certainly for worse. I especially like how she just leaves the ceremony to no one around, as if the film was about to hang itself in shame. The points that the film that stop one from going all "zero stars" is mostly on her shoulders, because the script and director failed her most of all. As a whole, it is a lurid and ridiculously terrible time to spend for all the reasons you would expect, but Zadora at least seems like she deserved better than the reviews of the time gave her. It isn't the worst of anything, but if you love some Hollywood trash, you have something to consider.

Overall, I give it 3 out of 10 stars.

Once more on Turkey Week, let's consider some religion. The Left Behind (2014) kind.

Baby Geniuses.

Review #2149: Baby Geniuses. 

Cast: 

Kathleen Turner (Dr. Elena Kinder), Christopher Lloyd (Dr. Heep), Peter MacNicol (Dan Bobbins), Kim Cattrall (Robin Bobbins), Dom DeLuise (Lenny), Ruby Dee (Margo), with Leo, Gerry and Myles Fitzgerald (Sylvester "Sly" & Whit; voices by Miko Hughes), and Kyle Howard (Dickie/Ice Pick) Directed by Bob Clark (#020 - A Christmas Story, #679 - Black Christmas, #1055 - Porky's, #1854 - My Summer Story)

Review: 

"We wanted to go for a more realistic presentation of the concept." - Bob Clark.

Oh no, Bob Clark. This was the guy who did horror such as Children Shouldn't Play with Dead Things (1972) and Black Christmas (1974) before getting to do comedy/dramas such as Tribute (1980). After that, every film of his seems to remind one of a rollercoaster, as for every sleeper-turned-classic such as A Christmas Story (1983)...there was a litany of films that went down the road of audience appreciation such as the following: Porky's (1981 - hit, for better or worse), Porky's II: The Next Day (1983 - hit, somewhat), Rhinestone (1984 - the odd flop), Turk 182 (1985 - flop), From the Hip (1987 - flop), Loose Cannons (1990 - flopped harder), My Summer Story (1994 - little-seen flop), I'll Remember April (1999 - ???)...and then this. The involvement of Bob Clark with what became this film started in 1994. Clark ran into Jon Voight when attending a play and heard about a script that Voight wanted to do with his company that he had formed with Steven Paul in Crystal Sky Productions; Paul came up with the initial concept because he saw two babies communicating to each other once. This script (with multiple writers having gone through it) involved babies. While the script didn't look great to Clark (it involved portals called "Baby World"), he was interested in the short film he was shown involving babies sitting around in a meeting like they were executives (i.e., morph technology). Clark led the charge for a shift in the script that honed to the corporate angle because the other script seemed less "fresh." Of course, Clark had every reason to be nervous with the effects, but Babe (1995) certainly cooled fears a bit when it came to morphing. The effects when it came to the babies fell to the hands of Creative Special Effects when it comes to lips and mouths (alongside other stuff like natural head movements) for the babies for, well, conversation. By default, the CGI is a pioneer of some sort when it came to mouth movement, with credit of course going to babies...hitting their marks along with the use of a 15-year-old little person and a young gymnast for dancing and karate moves. Would you be surprised to hear that the film had a dubious release history? It was first planned for a release in Christmas of 1997 before incomplete effects meant a new target of 1998 and then 1999, and there was even the possibility of just shuttering the film as a Columbia TriStar Home Video release in the direct-to circuit before the movie slithered onto theaters in March of 1999, which managed to garner marginal attention from audiences. Five years later, Clark returned to direct a sequel with Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004), now with Voight serving as a star to go with Paul writing the screenplay and serving as a producer. Somehow, that film has a much worse reputation than this film, and it happened to be the last film directed by Clark, who died in 2007 at the age of 67.

Getting kids (age 5-9, apparently) rather than adult voices to voice the babies (such as say, Look Who's Talking [1989]) is probably the least sad thing of the whole thing. What could possibly invite you to waste 95 minutes on a movie that never succeeds in every joke that is attempted? If there was a God, I do not believe that watching babies walk and talk would be high on the priority list. You might as well call it the film most likely to be thought of as having no soul in it. The people who made this film probably did not think much of the film either during or after production, but that doesn't give an excuse for this being one of the worst things I have ever seen. Hell, it shouldn't even be called a film, it should be put in a special garbage can that you would put expired food products in. You might think, oh, well, Monster a Go-Go (1965) is filled with more inconsistencies and worse acting. Well, maybe, but that has the label of being made in weirder circumstances of "make the best out of the footage", what kind of excuse does this Hollywood slop have? Absolutely none. Clark and his team probably thought it was one of those things you can put on for the kids and enjoy, but no, they did not. I can't tell who to feel sorrier for when it comes to being present in such a bad feature here, Lloyd (future voice in Foodfight!) or DeLuise (guy who appeared in past junk such as Sextette, and The Magic Voyage dub); Lloyd's most dubious scene might as well be his second one, when he accesses a computer that only is there to deliver exposition to the audience and serve no other purpose. Well, okay, maybe Turner, because she has more time than each actor and doesn't even get to chew scenery. Imagine my shock, no scene chewing in a movie that has less life on it than the planet Mars. Even if you want to term MacNicol and Cattrall as just sleepwalking through their roles, why should they be given slack? It's easy to say folks are mailing it in, but, well, yea, they are mailing it in as if this was a direct-to-video production, complete with little motivation to do much of anything. They repeat one line four times in quick succession and later do a repeat of a gag where an adult gets tricked into getting hit in the beans after talking about it. The voices coming out of those babies were never going to work with how it looked because it just isn't a useful effect that you would want to see for very long. It is a gag that has run amok for what might as well count for anti-comedy. Truly, this was a sad experience to sit through, because it means that Bob Clark may be one of few people who directed both a vaunted classic and a horrendously awful feature in the same career. Avoid, unless you like garbage.

Overall, I give it 0 out of 10 stars.

Next: The Lonely Lady.

The Trial of Billy Jack.

Review #2148: The Trial of Billy Jack.

Cast: 

Tom Laughlin (Billy Jack), Delores Taylor (Jean Roberts), Victor Izay (Doc), Teresa Kelly (Carol), Sara Lane (Russell), Geo Anne Sosa (Joanne), Lynn Baker (Lynn), Riley Hill (Posner), Sparky Watt (Sheriff Cole), Gus Greymountain (Blue Elk), Sacheen Littlefeather (Patsy Littlejohn), Michael Bolland (Danny), Jack Stanley (Grandfather), Bong-Soo Han (Master Han), Rolling Thunder (Thunder Mountain), and William Wellman Jr (National Guardsman) Directed by Tom Laughlin (#1196 - Billy Jack and #1860 - The Born Losers)

Review: 

"I got too preachy. Got too inflated with my own opinions and my own ideas and put 'em out too heavy." - Tom Laughlin

Okay, you remember The Born Losers (1967). That was the film that Tom Laughlin made with American International Pictures in that attempt to crack into making some of what he wanted to do with the character of his own creation in "Billy Jack", the ex-Green Beret with a bit of Native American heritage that deals with people who don't care for his way of thinking with a few kicks. The self-described "Stanislavsky actor" had spent time running his own Montessori preschool with his wife Delores before the second return to film (remember that he had done a few little-known film appearances and two features). AIP stepped in when Laughlin's slap-dash production made for under $500,000 ran out of money in post, promoted it as one of those biker exploitation films and made a reasonable hit. Of course, when it came time for another film, Billy Jack (1971) was aimed for a true approach by Laughlin at the plight of Natives that he saw mistreated in the 1950s in Winner, South Dakota. Oh, and something about freedom schools and maybe a bit of hapkido and uh, having a scene involving the co-star of the film (played by the wife of the director/star) is raped. No, really. The distribution was taken over by Laughlin in basically a game of hot potato when AIP rejected distributing the film; the result of Laughlin booking it himself in theaters was a rocket hit (Warner Bros. had done their ownattempts, but regardless, Laughlin had his winner), The film and Laughlin's performance had a modern successor with Quentin Tarantino and Brad Pitt, who used it as an influence in the development of the character of Cliff Booth in what became Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019). The sequel of Billy Jack, directed by Laughlin with a script by Laughlin and Taylor (who for whatever reason used pseudonyms) would have its own brand of wall-to-wall nationwide pushing to its own type of notability, because there just weren't that many movies that could say they were in 1,000 screens at the same time. Prior films with a certain type of push in "wide release" was stuff like Duel in the Sun (1946), which apparently did a "blitz" of releasing simultaneously in a number of theaters in an area, while The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms (1953) opened in over 1,000 theaters within the first week of release. Anyway, Laughlin would have two more films in his directing arsenal: The Master Gunfighter (1975), which he also starred and produced with the belief that his nationwide strategy would work well again...it failed. Oh, and Billy Jack Goes to Washington (1977), a film that couldn't even get a proper theatrical release even when Laughlin cut forty (!) minutes it to make run under three hours. Filming was done around Arizona and Utah, whether that involved Coronado National Forest or Monument Valley. It was reported after the release of the film that Laughlin, miffed by hearing critical reviews of his film, started a critics cash prize contest that invited the public to tell the critics how they really felt when it comes to being "out of touch". I especially like the part where he highlights some of the highest grossing films made to that point (read: 1974) and implicates that the critic somehow hated those big box office hits such as Gone with the Wind and The Sting. Truly, we are dealing with an actor/director/writer who is really not mad, no, really, he's not mad at the paper saying his film may be a tad, well...

Oh hell, let's get this out of the way quick: this is a steaming piece of bleeding-heart crap. My views don't matter that much when it comes for film a good chunk of the time, but even a guy like me rolls eyes at stuff like this. If you thought the last film was a meandering mess that refused to simply play ball with the hapkido first and stop playing the card of trying to being socially relevant with characters as likable as a rake in the head, wait until you get to this one. If you want a test of how long 173 minutes can feel, here is your chance with a movie that meanders so much in its elements of the Freedom School that you swear time will have stopped. I actually wonder if the biggest influence on Neil Breen and his meandering qualities of filmmaking and self-savior character (complete with being in his forties when doing them) movies is really Laughlin. That martyr stuff worked with the earlier film, but it comes to the most crashing of stops with a movie that continues all of the contradictions from before but with even less to offer here. Born Losers may have been a bit unpolished, but at least it felt like a film attempting to do entertainment. This is a movie that tries to go spread eagle in social news bulletins that go from mentioning the Kent State shootings to the My Lai massacre while being presented mostly in flashback form (because hey, being told the death and injury count on a massacre that has yet to be shown is part of The Laughlin Way, right next to having characters speak in platitudes). Taylor is left to hold the parts of the film that can't be bothered by Laughlin, who at one point is shown in full body color paint...of red, and also one time is spent in blue. The less said about Hill being the little covered villain (kick throat is kinda cool though), the better. Taylor's withering monotone voice of "reason" (I use quotes because it is debatable that reason exists in this film) is as weird as it was before when it comes to middling interest. Laughlin talks the same platitudes as before, and I would like to point out that he really thought of this character as a hero for the youth alongside Ralph Nader despite the fact that Billy Jack just meanders around with the same dilemma again and again about violence. The damn hapkido parts are the drawing force when it really boils down to what made those last two films even remotely tolerable as "average, not good", not the Jungian pop psychology. He may believe the stuff he is spewing (as quoted by him when it came to saying in interviews that no, no, no, the public really did go for the pacifism and not the kicking), but that is not a point in his favor when I find it tedious. The villains in the movie are no more complex than what you would find in a Saturday morning cartoon, but because the film wants to be taken so seriously, it comes off as hilarious to be subjected to such tedious slop. Even seeing the students get into the idea of fighting brute savagery with, uh, bombing, is more interesting than vision quests or kids that eventually bring themselves to play guitar.

You know that old stereotype of hippies being, well, annoying? This is basically red meat for jokes in that regard. You can say the film has a worthy look to it when it comes to production value, but all I see is a waste of space. Being the drunk uncle of Gas-s-s-s (1970) is not a compliment, especially when you find that there were *five* editors credited for this film. I can't even fathom the time it took to edit those sequences of vision quests. I think there is a sort of amusing irony that a film that features a white guy playing a character with mixed Native heritage happens to have appearances by Sacheen Littlefeather and Rolling Thunder, two people with dubious claims of Native American ancestry (Littlefeather is so much a fraud that it was her sisters that said how much of a fraud she was). The movie actually has the balls to show an ending title card of notes addressing the idea the film may be "too violent" and to, uh, "give peace a chance...". In the end, this is a sermon that preaches to the choir for all of the cliches in the world that won't win any new curious viewers, particularly for those without the stomach for movie-made massacre of children. This is a film that fails the basic rule of clarity and "action" and only stands as a testament to what one could do in the 1970s when it came to vision and distribution. The 2020s has its own methods of getting films to somewhere in time, but nothing may be as deluded as this film when it comes to tenacity, for better or worse. It seems perfect for the turkey celebrations: it has Native Americans (real and the dubious), a long boring lesson from white folks, and it feels like it takes all day to end.

Overall, I give it 3 out of 10 stars.

Next: After a fresh offering of Thanksgiving slop, enjoy your Black Friday with Baby Geniuses.

The Apple.

Review #2147: The Apple.

Cast: 

Catherine Mary Stewart (Bibi Phillips; Mary Hylan as singing voice), George Gilmour (Alphie), Grace Kennedy (Pandi), Vladek Sheybal (Mr. Boogalow), Allan Love (Dandi), Joss Ackland (Hippie Leader/Mr. Topps), Ray Shell (Shake), Miriam Margolyes (Alphie's landlady), Derek Deadman (Bulldog), Michael Logan (James Clark), George S. Clinton (Joe Pittman), and Francesca Poston (Vampire/Star Rock/Mr. Boogalow's Receptionist/BiM band keyboard player/Lapmate Mr. Boogalow's Penthouse Party) Directed by Menahem Golan.

Review: 

"I cannot be that wrong about the movie. They just don't understand what I was trying to do."

What would you say makes a proper turkey film candidate: a director who believed his film was going to vault him into the American film industry, or a director contemplating jumping off a balcony when he hears negative reviews of his film? I'll do you one better: try both for the same film. The original story was done by Coby Recht and Iris Recht. The long and short story of how things came to be is that Coby, a successful Israeli rock producer, was inspired by his experiences with Barclay Records, which was led by Eddie Barclay. He thought there was something odd about Barclay in the "looking like a villain" department that got him to write something with his wife that would be described as "1984, but music". This was developed in the course of 1977, complete with song demos ready before the pitch stage (in Hebrew). In the course of the grapevine, it came to the attention of none other than Menahem Golan. Born in British Mandate of Palestine (before it became Israel), Golan had done studying in directing and filmmaking abroad before staging plays in Israel. He became a director with El Dorado (1963). Operation Thunderbolt (1977) is probably the most noted of his films as director (the Israeli production ended up nominated for the Academy Award for Best International Feature Film), and it happened just before he became involved with his cousin Yoram Globus with ownership of the Cannon Group, which they purchased in 1979. Of course, with Recht, he knew Golan because the latter had been a director of children's theater stuff in Israel that Recht performed in. Apparently, a good deal of the actual script involved "Heaven", at least before Golan (the only screenplay writer) turned it into something less extreme for some sort of accessibility to the audiences. The budget ballooned from $4 million to $10 million, complete with a considerable cost to do the recording and mixing of the music. When it came time to the Montréal Film Festival, someone thought to make vinyl records to promote the film. The result was that when viewers saw said film, they ended up throwing the vinyls onto the screen. Golan would direct a handful of films after the failure of The Apple. Enter the Ninja (1981) was so successful for Cannon that it started a craze of ninja films (with Sho Kosugi being in two further Cannon ninja films). Golan did musical rom-coms with Mack the Knife (1989) and films with noted stars in The Delta Force (1986, which had Chuck Norris and Lee Marvin) and Over the Top (1987 - yes, the one about arm wrestling and Sylvester Stallone); Golan died at the age of 85 in 2014.

Okay, so we have a film involving the Faust legend being told through the record industry that has a great deal of, um, things in it. It has a lead actress in Stewart who came out of the blue from auditioning to be a dancer here to, well, being cast to act (with dubbed singing) and a lead actor in Gilmour that never appeared in another film. For a film that was 92 minutes long, it sure felt like two hours, because it is probably one of the most overbearing films to ever ooze onto a theater. Sure, if you look at the film closely from piece to piece, you can see the allegory in just how weird the industry of buying and selling folks seems straight from the Biblical times, but nothing can prepare you for the overall outcome that shows, and I kid you not, a Rolls-Royce in the sky. From what one knows about the edits made, there was a "Creation" song sequence that apparently gave some clarity to what the hell is going on with this film, but, well, somehow it had a bunch of mishaps in staging (complete with a brontosaurus costume collapse). And apparently Golan had come up with a four-hour cut of the film! I cannot imagine having the stones of Golan to believe that this really would be the ticket to the American film industry, and yet you can see it all blasted here. Stewart and Gilmour don't have a prayer when it comes to trying to give the film any sort of interest in trying to care about these people when contrasted with the costume hodgepodges. Squares don't make for fun, unless you are Kennedy trying to make the best of these costumes and uh, trying to sing "Coming" (take one guess). Sheybal, a fiercely proud Polish actor, is probably the only person one can a grip on because of the obvious Devil figure he plays, which is probably the best thing to say about the film when it comes to someone who has more focus on what to do than the people behind the camera (Shell is at least eccentric in that snide sense of support). This might be the kind of film you show people when they say the old days had all of the best music and say, "take this one on, sucker!" Golan thought he had a grip of what the 1960s were like to him, but really he made a movie that buried the 1970s into the finest paste imaginable. The fact that this and Xanadu were released in the same year is only a testament that aiming for the hip and wild in music really does come once in a full moon, but I have sympathy for that other film because that movie had Electric Light Orchestra on the soundtrack (others can say they like Olivia Newton-John, but no one messes with the electronic kings). This on the other hand is a film that involves gala events with crowd vital signs and hippies. As a whole, The Apple is a junky film that aims for the moon and explodes two feet off the launch pad to reveal termites everywhere. Golan may have been involved in plenty of films in varying quality, but perhaps none of them were as bizarre in ambition and resulting meltdown as this one turned out to be.

Overall, I give it 3 out of 10 stars.

Next: Happy Thanksgiving. Two of the previous three Thanksgivings have seen a doubleheader of crap, so enjoy the night with something really fun to call crap: The Trial of Billy Jack.

I Am Here....Now.

Review #2146: I Am Here....Now.

Cast: 

Neil Breen (The Being), Joy Senn (Amber), Elizabeth Sekora (Cindy), George Gingerelli (Corporate Executive), Maraud Ford (Gang Leader), Jason Perrin (Politician), Ron Schoenewolf (Corporate Lawyer), Herbert Allen (Man in Wheelchair), Ali Banks (Man in Pickup Truck / Gang Member), and Tommie Vegas (Girl in Pickup Truck) Written, Produced, and Directed by Neil Breen (#1767 - Fateful Findings and #1925 - Double Down)

Review: 

"When I used to go to see the first screenings of films like...I Am Here....Now, I'd be in the back of the theater listening to the audience. The audience may chuckle at parts that I never intended, but in the second half of the film they sort of begin to get it." - Neil Breen

I think there is a sort of accomplishment in making the same kind of boring movie three times in a row. His first film in Double Down (2005) involved Neil Breen playing a CIA agent that liked to eat tuna from the can and put on his medals on a denim vest while talking over a good deal of the film. The earlier film was apparently Breen's learning lesson when it came to making a theatrical film, so here we are with his second feature film (I hear he made some short films, but the world may not be prepared for the short Breen experience). The gall that comes from making such nonsense with hustle is why folks who know the Breen go to see the Breen. Can one pigeonhole Breen as a filmmaker without seeming weird? (I once heard someone who didn't want to call his films midnight movies because he didn't want to "ghettoize" in any particular way). One thing is for sure, it is quite interesting to make it hard to get those earlier films when it comes to online purchases, but thankfully the Internet is useful for finding copies for times like these. Here we have a film where he plays a being that basically is the Messiah but with computer boards attached to him (as so generously shown in one of the numerous stock video moments shown in the introduction, which is longer than it takes to eat a sandwich). Pass Thru (2016), Breen's fourth film, would feature him play an entity again (this time AI from the future) to try and cleanse millions of harmful humans. Breen and Turkey Week is the perfect combo.

Species disappointment has never felt so amusing, particularly with the number of times one sees a cut to Breen seemingly looking like a zombie. Running down the whole film would be a chore, because the fact that there are multiple uses of plastic baby heads (the intro and for a baby in a stroller) is more than enough to highlight. Just watch the intro alone, where he notices a couple drinking before the man tries to play Russian roulette and shoot up a needle and then sees the Being and tries shooting it. I especially like that the Being can resist two bullets to the chest but needs to steal the clothes and the car of someone just to get out of the desert. We've got evil folks talking about their evil plans in the same manner anytime they are on screen to go with Beings that like to lurk around to look at folks that go from having romance (hey, want to see Breen without a T-shirt?) to making folks bleed from their eyes after said person shoved a man in a wheelchair. Okay, okay, listing all the things that happen may be a bit much, but I want to hammer the point that this is probably the least worthy of Breen's first three films when it comes to overall execution. Breen has a clear interest in talking about issues that seem to really matter to him such as corruption or exploitation, but he goes about it in the most arcane of ways that talk in circles in the oddest of languages that might as well be "Breenlish". Apparently, Breen has said that he recruits actors by way of Craigslist ads. God, those ads must be really enticing, since he does his own catering and all. The ending is probably the most bewildering of all: the Being takes those evil folks and decides to put them on those crosses one saw in the beginning. I'm not quite sure how this stuff gets him to give the planet a second chance, but I guess boning folks or turning paraplegics into young folks to partner with women really shifts your perceptions. As a whole, if you are here for the curiosity of where Breen went with his second effort, well, you know it is going to be wrapped in all of the same twists and turns of narrative ass-pull that could only be done by someone with the seeming interest in either making films with all of what he wants to say as the strange re-incarnation of Tom Laughlin, or one who really is playing the great practical joke on us all. Regardless of where one finds Breen in terms of man or man in the box trying to play director, I Am Here....Now has a bit for everyone in sludgefest turkey entertainment. 

Overall, I give it 1 out of 10 stars.

Next: The Apple.

Wired.

Review #2145: Wired.

Cast: 

Michael Chiklis (John Belushi), Ray Sharkey (Angel Velasquez), J. T. Walsh (Bob Woodward), Patti D'Arbanville (Cathy Smith), Lucinda Jenney (Judy Belushi), Alex Rocco (Arnie Fromson), Gary Groomes (Dan Aykroyd), Jere Burns (Lou Connors), and Clyde Kusatsu (Coroner) Directed by Larry Peerce.

Review: 

Why don't we get this out of the way early: the 1984 book that the film is based on is pretty much thought to be a load of crap. The story goes that Bob Woodward was approached to write a biography of John Belushi because he happened to be raised in Wheaton, Illinois, the same place that Belushi had been raised in. Several people were interviewed for the book such as Judith Belushi Pisano, Dan Aykroyd, and James Belushi, but the end result was thought by several friends and associates of Belushi to be exploitative, particularly since a handful of the anecdotes are presented with little to no context (for example, a moment of Belushi being nervous about doing a love scene that saw him stall by coming up with various funny names for a certain body part is written by Woodward as just being an "inappropriate prelude"). Fun fact: this is the only Woodward book that doesn't involve political figures in any shape or form. Pisano wrote her own book about her life with Belushi in 1990 called Samurai Widow and then co-wrote the biography Belushi: A Biography with Tanner Colby in 2005. Anyway, back to the garbage process of novel-to-film. Woodward wanted to sell the rights to the book for film as fast as 1984 but apparently ran into trouble because he claimed nobody in Hollywood wanted to do it because it had "too much truth in it." Years later, Edward S. Feldman and Charles R. Meeker bought the rights for roughly $300,000 before putting money into funding the project to go with a New Zealand conglomerate named Lion Nathan. Woodward served as a technical advisor behind the scenes while Earl Mac Rauch wrote the screenplay in his fourth and final screenplay, with the most noted one probably being his adaptation of his 1984 novel Buckaroo Banzai. The film was directed by Larry Peerce, who directed a handful of television and features, whether that was Goodbye, Columbus (1969) or a handful of historical works such as Elvis and Me (1988, TV) or A Woman Named Jackie (1991, TV). This is currently the last feature film directed by Peerce.

The film has never been released on DVD or Blu-ray, and the only way one could see the film on home media was a videocassette was released by International Video Entertainment. Whether you could consider me lucky or demented, I did find a bootleg copy on the Internet to view this film that looks, well, let's just say that when Plan 9 from Outer Space has been given more attention for detailing, you really made a bad movie. For a film that was made for $13 million, the box office returns in its release (which took a year from finishing production due to lack of interest from distributors, which may have been influenced by a certain agent in the Creative Artists Agency) was monumentally terrible and incredibly predictable. I suppose Dan Aykroyd really did put a curse on the film. For 112 minutes, you get a film that is incredibly terrible in all the ways that matter most, because it honestly feels like someone thought they were being really clever in trying to make a "surreal" sort of biopic without understanding anything that made the subject matter interesting to begin with. Never does one hear about Belushi's work for The National Lampoon Radio Hour. Never does one really see how Belushi met Aykroyd (the film just shows them together just like that). Never does one really get a feel that Belushi had that many friends to begin with (Robin Williams and Robert De Niro, just to drop a few). Chiklis apparently went through dozens of auditions before being cast, and he really thought this would be a big thing for him. Instead, he had to deal with questions of "am I going to not find work after this?" The fact that he actually went to Jim Belushi years later to apologize speaks volumes about just where all things rest when it comes to regrets and ideas. At least Chiklis managed to eventually carve a career out of the ashes, which included lead roles in TV such as The Commish and The Shield (the former saw him play a character ten years older than he really was).  It's easy to say he has the best performance of the film, but it really isn't that good to begin with. It has that strange cadence that seems a bit too puffed in scenes that should have emotional weight and also seems a bit too out-of-depth when it comes to the "sketch recreations". But when you are paired with such vaunted efforts like a guardian angel character played by Sharkey (best known for TV's Wiseguy), the bar is low because no one pulls in a useful performance. I can't fathom going with a guardian angel angle for a biopic that was made by someone who probably thought a mugging was needed for It's a Wonderful Life. Sharkey has no range to do anything with this role beyond the obvious. Walsh meanders through the film asking questions that make a curious experiment to see someone play the author of the book that is being adapted when one knows the book reeks of slime. I can't tell who comes off worse, Walsh or Bernstein (the irony is that because he was in this film, Aykroyd got Walsh fired from Loose Cannons (1990), a movie with its own odious reputation). The movie is flat in every way even when it comes to its attempts at an anti-drug angle, and this is a movie that features Belushi rise from the morgue table to go along with another scene of people trying to fit the casket into a plane and failing. This is cinematic excrement, one that fails at telling a story of its subject in any sort of coherent matter. The tragedy of John Belushi is that he was covered for a book and film that didn't treat him or the people around him with any sort of respect, and time has only made the film and novel relegated into the obscure-bin where it belongs.

Overall, I give it 1 out of 10 stars.

Next: Breen awaits.

House of the Dead.

Review #2144: House of the Dead.

Cast: 

Jonathan Cherry (Rudolph "Rudy" Curien), Ona Grauer (Alicia), Clint Howard (Salish), Ellie Cornell (Casper), Tyron Leitso (Simon), Will Sanderson (Greg), Enuka Okuma (Karma), Kira Clavell (Liberty), Sonya Salomaa (Cynthia), Michael Eklund (Hugh), David Palffy (Castillo), and Jürgen Prochnow (Kirk) Directed by Uwe Boll (#1765 - In the Name of the King and #1924 - Alone in the Dark)

Review: 

Its funny to go backwards when watching an Uwe Boll for the third straight year. This is the film that got people to look upon Boll and say, "What the hell is this doing in so many theaters?" It is loosely based on the video game of the same name that had originally appeared in arcades from Sega in 1996. Apparently, plans for a film first came around in 1998 with the idea that Jesse Dylan would direct from a script that had the involvement of Dylan and Mark Verheiden (most known for scripts such as Timecop). The outline (as provided by a magazine of the time) apparently involved a small college town involving a zombie haven to go with deaths at a rave and "necro-warrior" nerds that rally to fight the walking dead. However, by the time production actually came around, here one is with Boll as director and a script of differing names: the screenplay was done by Dave Parker and Mark Altman (you may recognize him as the co-writer of Free Enterprise (1998), the rom-com involving fans of Star Trek) while the story was done by Dan Bates and Altman. 2002 saw Boll and his production company take charge with said script to make this film, which began production in Vancouver. This was the 8th feature film for Boll as a director, which had seen prior works of horror and dramas such as Heart of America (2002), which most people would probably associate with the DVD markets. A direct-to-video sequel came in 2005 that had Altman serve as writer for screenplay with one returning cast member but, well, no Boll as director (amusingly, Boll would do the sequels to his other video game films of the time). By that time, Boll was ready for his two-pronged 2005 experience of Alone in the Dark and BloodRayne. There apparently is a director's cut that adds in some dialogue and alternative takes to go with pop-ups and you know, I'm just not there for that, man. 

You know that label "so bad it's good"? Sometimes you just want to call that label a crock of crap, and I think you really need to find films like this to really test the theory that a film can be so bad that it could come back to enjoyably goofy to watch. But this is the third straight Boll film to leave me with more irritation than before I pressed play, and I find little redeeming factors beyond the fact that the movie is probably one of few video game adaptations to feature clips from the game that they are adapting (well, technically the film is meant to be a prequel of the first game, which means rather than having an agent name G as the lead, you have the rave stuff here). Someone apparently counted the amount of clips shown at 32! Even the B-movies from the 1960s had something worth following along with in their ambition, this movie just has the turn-table technique for 360-degree shots that make me want to roll my eyes in the same way. Blank slates being spooked by zombies has never felt so lifeless, but by God did Boll accomplish it here. You can predict every movement for 90 minutes but feel so tired when doing so that it doesn't even feel worth it to do so. I know it isn't the worst, because those who have seen Alone in the Dark know what true misery is, but it is up there in the turd mountain. Cherry looks like he would rather be stuck anywhere but here with such a thankless lead role that does him no favors. What's the point of setting up a thing about students looking for a rave if the characters are too damn boring anyway? Even the one shot of nudity just seems to be "okay, next". I swear, if you throw a dart board at a bunch of names of cheapie films, you could land on one with Clint Howard involved in some way with pretty good odds (he also happened to appear in Boll's two previous films). He doesn't exactly rein in a good performance, but I'm sure the checks cleared all the same regardless. Cornell and Prochnow would've been a more interesting pair to really focus on when it comes to scoundrels and people who shoot guns, and yet...you get the idea. If you can remember a single thing about the "villain" in Palffy, you deserve a medal, because the whole thing about "immortality serums" and hordes of zombies under his control is handled with about as much grace as a dirt road with broken glass all over. As a whole, it is a Uwe Boll movie with little to show for its efforts, as it is the kind of thing that looks and feels way cheaper than $12 million. How could anyone approve of this? Well, 20 years have gone by and I certainly can't say that people are going to look upon this film as a lost classic, they just will see it as bland trash to throw onto the pile.

Overall, I give it 1 out of 10 stars.

Tomorrow: God help us, Wired. 

Trog.

Review #2143: Trog.

Cast: 

Joan Crawford (Dr. Brockton), Michael Gough (Sam Murdock), Bernard Kay (Inspector Greenham), Kim Braden (Anne Brockton), David Griffin (Malcolm Travers), John Hamill (Cliff), Thorley Walters (Magistrate), Jack May (Dr. Selbourne), Geoffrey Case (Bill), Simon Lack (Lt. Colonel Vickers), Chloe Franks (Little Girl), and Joe Cornelius (Trog) Directed by Freddie Francis (#854 - They Came from Beyond Space, #856 - The Evil of Frankenstein, #860 - Dracula Has Risen from the Grave, #1145 - Tales from the Crypt, and #1419 - Dr. Terror's House of Horrors)

Review: 

"What a terrible film that was. I did it because of Joan Crawford, and poor Joan by this time was a very sad old lady. We had to have idiot cards all over the place because she couldn't remember her lines. It was the last thing she ever did and she shouldn’t have done it. Neither should I. She had no friends, and she kept writing sad letters to my wife and I until she died."

Okay, so you might be wondering just what the appeal for this film is. Well, it was a horror film that just happens to be the last film appearance of Joan Crawford. By the year of 1970, she had appeared in over eighty films in nearly a half-century of work in films to go with a handful of television appearances (one of those notably saw her perform a role several years younger than her - she was filling in for her sick daughter on a soap opera!). But this was her last film before her death in 1977 at the reported age of 69. The 1960s saw her go from starting with What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? (1962) to ending with Berserk! (1967). That latter film was produced by Herman Cohen, who happened to produce this film. Three writers were credited for this film: Peter Bryan, John Gilling, and Aben Kandel (the first two had previously collaborated on The Plague of the Zombies while the latter was a mainstay on Cohen productions, even at the ripe age of 73). It's a shame for Francis to be here directing a horror film like this, because while he wasn't exactly pleased to be pigeonholed as a director of the medium (he was once quoted as saying horror films liked him more than he liked horror films), he was an acclaimed cameraman. This is the man who shot Sons and Lovers (1960) and later Glory (1989), winners of Academy Awards for cinematography. Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny and Girly (1970), his previous effort as a director, was one he was quite proud of even though it took a few years to become a cult favorite. While this film wasn't exactly a hit for anyone, Francis would stay busy as a director for the rest of the decade, which included The Vampire Happening (a West German comedy horror film that apparently was just as bad of an experience for Francis released in 1971), and, well, Craze (1974), the last production spearheaded by Cohen.

You're kidding me, right? This is the way a vaunted actress such as Joan Crawford went out? Wearing her own wardrobe while apparently enjoying quite the amount of alcohol? This is such a miserable film when it comes to the amount of time it spends in trying to establish credibility with some sort of ungodly presentation of nurture and nature that has no sense of tension or doing anything beyond making one wonder just long before you get to see the silly mask again. Supposedly, the outfit for the title character was cribbed from 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968), but I guess they got the worst outfit of the bunch, because it is a very sad looking thing to say the least. The fact that the film has the balls to re-use footage that had been produced by Willis O'Brien and Ray Harryhausen for The Animal World (1956) for a sequence involving dinosaurs is probably the most hilarious part of a movie that has nowhere to go but digging up from the pit that it has buried itself by the first half of a 93-minute movie of amusement. Crawford may or may not be under the influence of some liquor (vodka, reportedly) or cue cards, but there is definitely something stilted about her role in the film, which never really manages to make a compelling argument for why anyone would care for Trog in the first place (this is a beast that we first see kill folks in a cave, remember). Seeing her try to show the creature colors and play catch with it only furthers this amusement that comes full circle when you realize, yes, she really did bring her own colorful clothes for this. Honestly, I was expecting her character to become another victim of the beast to close the circle, because, well, wouldn't that be a surprise to have someone who was completely on Trog's side just get blindsided? Gough just comes off as the most obvious strawman when it comes to "beast bad", most amusingly coming for the court scenes that see him continuously interrupt the proceedings until he finally gets kicked out after like the 4th time this happens. I think the death sequence (hell, you know it was coming) is especially amusing, because he lets the beast go and seems completely unplanned for, well, getting the hell away from the one thing that could kill him like it was a cockroach ASAP. Kay and the others don't chuckle at the material in the same way one might see from even the lesser Hammer film experiences. This is the kind of thing that can appreciated for folks such as, say, John Waters when it comes to the cheapies, but this is just one of those dubious British films where the material lives and dies on just how much the actors care, and the answer here is "slim". Kitsch for some sure, but this is just crap.

Overall, I give it 3 out of 10 stars.

Turkey Week 4 is upon us, folks. From November 19 to November 25, enjoy a round of cruddy "turkey" films to enjoy the Thanksgiving season. Trog is merely an appetizer for some rancid films to come, which will see a return of such great voices like Uwe Boll and Neil Breen and more. Enjoy the suck, because the next few films are much worse than this. House of the Dead, for example....

Killers of the Flower Moon.

Review #2142: Killers of the Flower Moon.

Cast: 

Leonardo DiCaprio (Ernest Burkhart), Robert De Niro (William King Hale), Lily Gladstone (Mollie Kyle), Jesse Plemons (Thomas Bruce White Sr), Tantoo Cardinal (Lizzie Q), John Lithgow (Prosecutor Peter Leaward), Brendan Fraser (W. S. Hamilton), Cara Jade Myers (Anna Brown), JaNae Collins (Reta), Jillian Dion (Minnie), Jason Isbell (Bill Smith), William Belleau (Henry Roan), Louis Cancelmi (Kelsie Morrison), Scott Shepherd (Byron Burkhart), Everett Waller (Paul Red Eagle), Talee Redcorn (Non-Hon-Zhin-Ga / Traditional Leader), Yancey Red Corn (Chief Bonnicastle), Tatanka Means (John Wren), Tommy Schultz (Blackie Thompson), Sturgill Simpson (Henry Grammer), and Ty Mitchell (John Ramsey) Directed by Martin Scorsese (#990 - Taxi Driver, #992 - The King of Comedy, #1276 - Mean Streets, #1463 - Raging Bull, #1496 - Goodfellas, #1544 - The Departed, #1559 - Hugo, and #1567 - The Wolf of Wall Street)

Review: 

“As far as taking risks at this age, what else can I do? No, let’s go do something comfortable.’ Are you kidding?”

The Native American and the white man in particular, did not have the greatest of relations in the early years of the United States, particularly in the 19th century. At any rate, by the dawn of the 20th century, the Osage Nation was undergoing significant change. The Burke Act in 1906 tried to assess the competency of Native Americans (as a person), while the Oklahoma and Indian Territories merged in 1907 when they were admitted into the Union. By this time, the Osage had found oil on their land. Long story short, there were headrights assigned to the people of the tribe when it came to royalties for oil, which would change their lives in ways that could never be reversed (which is depicted in the opening of the film with a ceremony cutting right to oil). There were guardians assigned to the tribe to "manage" the rights for decades (incidentally, when the Indian Citizenship Act of 1924 was signed, President Calvin Coolidge was photographed with four members of the Osage). By the time legislation was done to ensure that non-Osage could not inherit the headrights, a string of murders later called "The Reign of Terror" was already in motion for people such as the Bureau of Investigation (later named the FBI) to eventually break into. The murders had a wide effect for the people that saw it and others around. Fred Grove (a part-Osage) was a child when he heard the bombing murders and became a novelist. Tragedies of the Osage Hills (1926) was a dramatization done by James Young Deer (a man with Nanticoke ancestry), although it is now lost. The FBI Story (1959) dramatized the crime investigation The movie shows a handful of the murders, but it is estimated that over 60 people may have been murder as a part of these murders, with one of the ringleaders being William King Hale. In 2017, the nonfiction novel Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI as written by David Grann, was published, and the attention was so present that Imperative Entertainment paid $5 million to the film rights the year before the film was released. The original intent for the film apparently was focusing mostly on the investigation (where DiCaprio would star as Thomas Bruce White). However, this was shifted to a focus instead onto Ernest Burkhart and his wife Mollie Kyle as Scorsese stated that since the audience knows the film is really a "who-didn't-do-it" rather than a whodunit. Osage Nation chief Geoffrey Standing Bear served as a consultant on the film; Scorsese wrote the film with Eric Roth

Leave it to me to give credit to Apple TV+ for helping to fund the film (Paramount Pictures became distributor rather than just the whole funding studio when fears arose about the budget rising to $200 million). Well, anybody that lets a film that runs for over three hours a proper release in cinemas deserves worthwhile attention, so imagine releasing one that is really good. Scorsese is one of our most enduring directors alive today when it comes to storytelling that has the scope and range to back up everything that comes and goes with this film. It is a lament for the dead that seems now more than ever important to remember when it comes to the lessons that one can find within the dangers that come in greed and power. The pace never seems to loom on one's interest because of just how much there is to show within this town in terms of hypocrisy. People are killed or set up to be killed in ways that make one recoil in the sheer audacity. There are so many actors present that pop in and out that can't even be mentioned due to space (such as Barry Corbin, playing a gloomy undertaker, or Fraser using those moments of screentime for appropriate bluster opposite Lithgow), much in the same way that one can't mention every nook and cranny when it comes to the history aspects (the book notes the rumor that William Hale was the father of the unborn child that was being carried by Anna Brown before she was murdered). This is quite a worthy trio to hold it all together when it comes to just how much greed and language can touch upon people's lives (consider that De Niro's character speaks to the Osage in their language and yet it never is translated). The dynamic of DiCaprio and Gladstone is especially important to gaze upon when it comes to viewing just what looks like deception and looks like an actual sense of love. DiCaprio sells the game well when it comes to playing the part of puppet and puppeteer that makes for such a grand act of pathetic measures of men. Admittedly, it might seem odd that Hale, a person who was in his late forties when the murders were being done, is being played by De Niro (in his late seventies), but he proves a skillful performance in conniving sociopathy, one who never looks to show any remorse for what they reap and see from their actions. Amidst all of the tragedy, the one most visible is with Gladstone because of the decay that becomes apparent the longer the proceedings go on that she handles with tenacity. That last scene with her and DiCaprio is a worthy one to close their story out with all one needs to know when it comes to truths and lies. The way that the film ends is particularly well done because it goes twofold with how the last words go with the last image of Osage celebrating their culture in a large tribal dance with just what has endured from those dark days. People live, people die, but the culture endures. As a film, it is a great tragedy that will surely prove enduring when looking upon the many worthy films that Scorsese has made as a filmmaker in over a half-century. This lesson of greedy horror in a time that does not strike as too different from now is handled with effective execution and stature that could only be viewed best with dedicated patience and curiosity through and through.

Overall, I give it 10 out of 10 stars.

Army of Darkness.

Review #2141: Army of Darkness.

Cast: 

Bruce Campbell (Ash Williams / "Evil Ash"), Embeth Davidtz (Sheila), Marcus Gilbert (Lord Arthur), Ian Abercrombie (Wise Man), Richard Grove (Duke Henry the Red), Timothy Patrick Quill (Blacksmith), Michael Earl Reid (Gold Tooth), Bridget Fonda (Linda), Bill Moseley (Deadite captain), Patricia Tallman (Possessed witch), and Ted Raimi (Cowardly warrior/Second supportive villager/Anthony, the S-Mart clerk/Skeleton voices) Directed by Sam Raimi (#611 - Spider-Man, #1296 - The Evil Dead, #1483 - Evil Dead II, #1495 - Darkman, #1695 - Spider-Man 2, and #1779 - Spider-Man 3, and #1840 - Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness)

Review: 

Sure, it is easy to say that the third film of a series just can't compare to the first two films. And you would be right in a variety of those scenarios, even with something as curious as the Evil Dead series, which retained the same director in Sam Raimi and lead presence in Bruce Campbell for each of them that had a sense of evolution from film to film. The gory mayhem of the original film (1981) that was shot for a low budget in a cabin in Tennessee, combined with the efforts of producer Irvin Shapiro, resulted in a cult classic. Six years later, Evil Dead II, basically a "re-quel", came under the hands of Dino De Laurentiis to a cult hit that may or may not be better than the previous film within its comedy-horror aspects. Now, in 1992, here we have a medieval-themed film that actually was proposed and rejected for the second film due to cost. There were various influences that came into the script as done by Sam and Ivan Raimi, such as A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court and Jason and the Argonauts. The film was made in a deal that saw De Laurentiis fund the film while Universal Pictures serve as distributor.  This is the kind of film that somehow has more than two versions: the original theatrical cut runs at 81 minutes (those studio yokels actually thought they could get a cut for PG-13 and failed anyway), while Raimi's preferred version, with the original intended ending, runs at 96. Other versions were done to go with International audiences and television viewers that each went 88 minutes. The four-disc Blu-ray I purchased included three of these versions, but I went with the director's cut for the sole reason that edits are no fun. A "re-imagining" feature of the series that shared the name of the original came out in 2013 before a continuation series of the third film came out with Ash vs. Evil Dead in 2015.

Sure, it's easy to say that the first two films shine more than this one when it comes to horror. But so what? I actually found this one to be a pretty good movie on its own goal of injecting action comedy into the mix to make a distinct venture that is quite entertaining. We are talking about a film following the lead of the last one in a lead character who had a chainsaw for a right hand, nothing surprises me here. Why would I be mad that the film goes in its own direction with Ash when it is evident the filmmakers want to go this way? (okay, maybe the theatrical cut might not have been coherently focused but screw the editor). This is basically the Return of the Jedi of the series, are you surprised by this? Of course, it's such a funny time with this oddball lead character that has to run the gamut of growth as a hero even when confronting the horrors of being stuck in the Dark Ages (with Deadites and other odd things, no less). When it comes to quips and goofy humor, I think Campbell handles it with good gusto that is interesting for those who like some slapstick humor. The lines of parody and spectacle are enjoyable in his hands because, well, that is what I am here for, particularly with the little Ashes sequence. Having to do cues and fight beings that would be added in as stop motion is no small feat. The other actors play it mostly to form (you've got some Deadite goofiness, of course), but again, the films are lifted mostly with Campbell up there first. If one is to go out with a bang, going out with stop motion and gusto is ideal. Personally, I'm fine with either ending of the film (after checking the obvious choice of the director's cut, I looked over the other disc for a moment). You either get a darkly amusing punchline or a heroically amusing punchline, it really is up to you. As a whole, the last two Evil Dead films are like sides of the same coin in horror misery that would've made it hard for any follow-up to top, but Army of Darkness, now with the passage of time and the availability of a director's cut, proves that even a third-best effort can still be a really good time anyway.

Overall, I give it 9 out of 10 stars.

This ends Halloween The Week After, Year Five. Over the course of October 1 to today, a grand total of 48 horror films (and one other exception) were covered by Movie Night. It only seemed funny to close November 7th the same way that I ended the first of the Week Afters with an Evil Dead film, much in the same way that a Ring film has been there the last three years. There were a handful of films that just missed the cut for timing or other reasons, such as: I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Return of the Vampire, Trog, The Old Dark House (1963), Color Out of Space, The Student of Prague (1926), The Monster, Quartermass 2, Frankenstein 1970, Misery, Beau is Afraid, The Fog, The Fly II, you get the idea. Next year probably won't be all-out like this year, but one never knows where the Month of Horror takes you. Now then, onto other things.