Movie Night: The Magic Voyage.

Review #467: The Magic Voyage.

Cast
Dom DeLuise (Christopher Columbus), Corey Feldman (Pico), Irene Cara (Marilyn), Dan Haggerty (The Swarm Lord / King Ferdinand IV), Mickey Rooney (Narrator), and Samantha Eggar (Queen Isabella) Directed by Michael Schoemann.

Review
The director stated (I kid you not) that this film was to be: "intended to be a film about the discovery of America (Side note: I wonder what the Vikings would say about this...) from a more satirical view in order to differentiate ourselves clearly from the lofty views of history so we can present Columbus as a lovable, charming and befuddled scholar."

The film was made in 1992 originally for German audiences as Die Abenteuer von Pico und Columbus (which roughly translates to The Adventures of Pico and Columbus), as it would be later dubbed in English twice, being released in 1993, just around the 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage, in which he landed in the Bahamas (as he never actually landed in North America). Given my day off for Columbus Day (which makes me wonder why it's only for Columbus and not for other explorers like Magellan, Ericson, or even explorers in space), I decided to review this.

Why did I talk so much about the film's history? Because I can't decide which is weirder, the film or its history. The main question of the film can be thought of almost immediately after starting to watch this film, and the question is: When did the film get so crazy? Likely answers would be either when Columbus speaks to the woodworm, the fact that a woodworm knows the Earth is round, when the Swarm Lord (No I am not making this up) is introduced, or...all of the above. Halfway through, I started wondering if 1492: Conquest of Paradise or Carry On Columbus would've been better or worse then this, but I'm sure someone else has already answered that for me. The dubbing is notably ad libbed, but not even Dom Deluise can brighten up the film. The animation is poor at times, resembling more of a television movie then an actual motion picture. Trying to mention the inaccuracies that the film has would take way too long to write, and writing so much isn't something I try to do all the time, because I've always assumed no one likes reading a wall of text without some breathing room. You may wonder if there are any redeemable factors in this film, and...there isn't. The terrible animation, the even worse dubbing, the fact this was even made, and just the inane nature of this whole film. Fittingly, the film ends with Columbus musing that there will be a city made on the place they landed in, which turns out to be...New York City. Such a inaccurate statement for such a terrible film. I'd give this film a negative rating if I had to, but since I can't, this film gets to join Birdemic: Shock and Terror and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie in such a non-prestigious honor.

Overall, I give it 0 out of 10 stars.

Movie Night: Doctor Dolittle.

Review #460: Doctor Dolittle.

Cast

Rex Harrison (Doctor John Dolittle), Samantha Eggar (Emma Fairfax), Anthony Newley (Matthew Mugg), Richard Attenborough (Albert Blossom), Peter Bull (General Bellowes), Muriel Landers (Mrs. Blossom), William Dix (Tommy Stubbins), Ginny Tyler (Polynesia) and Geoffrey Holder (William Shakespeare X) Directed by Richard Fleischer.

Review

Even though this is meant to be a horror based month, I decided to add this relic, due to it fulfilling the horror part...because it certainly is horror-ible. I'd mention the book that this was adapted from, but I have never, not once ever found Doctor Dolittle on a book shelf, so that renders my mention moot. The production troubles are certainly interesting, what with a bloated budget, combined with troubles with Harrison and other various such things. Unfortunately, the film itself isn't good. The actors are okay, but the main problem is the failed attempt at making a whimsical setting. Instead of being amazed at the effects (or not), I just kept hoping the actors weren't going to sing another song, since apparently there are 14 songs in the whole film. The film drags at nearly 2 and a half hours long, and combined with the boredom of the sets, makes for a sleep-binding experience. Then...there's the Giant Pink Sea Snail. My goodness, it looks bad, and combined with my irrational hatred of snails, makes for either a truly laughable showcase or...sleep. Honestly though, if I could talk to my birds, I'd ask why they chirp so much, but I guess Dolittle has better things to do, such as...singing. But I do wonder if that remake made (obviously) in the 90's is any better, but oh well. There are films that sound better to watch than this, like the next one coming up, a little film called Carnival of Souls. Tune in next time.

Overall, I give it 3 out of 10 stars. 

Movie Night: Why Shoot the Teacher?

Review #407: Why Shoot the Teacher?

Cast
Bud Cort (Max Brown), Samantha Eggar (Alice Field), Kenneth Griffith (Woods), Chris Wiggins (Lyle Bishop), Michael J. Reynolds (Bert Field), John Friesen (Dave McDougall), and Gary Reineke (Harris Montogomery) Directed by Silvio Narizzano.

Review

There are quite a few Canadian connections with this film, which features filming in Alberta (doubling for Saskatchewan while Silvio Narizzano, a Montreal native, directed.

This comes right up my alley for Canada Day. So how is it? It's a decent film that starts off a bit slow but chugs hard with a lot of effort. Bud Cort is a good actor in this film and carries this film along for a good chunk of the film. While the scenery is nothing much to look at it, this film does have some comedy and a good dose of drama to keep itself in check, managing not to be too outdated but keeping itself in tone, not forgetting its roots, which is a good thing.

Overall, I give it 8 out of 10 stars.

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