Bordello of Blood.

Review #2621: Bordello of Blood.

Cast: 

Dennis Miller (Rafe Guttman), Erika Eleniak (Katherine Verdoux), Angie Everhart (Lilith), Chris Sarandon (Reverend J.C. Current), Corey Feldman (Caleb Verdoux), Aubrey Morris (McCutcheon), Phil Fondacaro (Vincent Prather), Juliet Reagh (Tallulah), Kiara Hunter (Tamara), Eli Gabay (Miguel), Matt Hill (Reggie), Eric Keenleyside (Sheriff Noonan), with John Kassir (the voice of the Crypt Keeper; Brock Winkless as puppeteer), and William Sadler (Mummy) Directed by Gilbert Adler.

Review: 

You might remember Demon Knight (1995) was actually pretty decent, all things considered for a siege horror movie that tried to make Tales from the Crypt a film franchise. Sure, the tease for a zombie tale around New Orleans ("Dead Easy") didn't come to fruition, because Universal Studios decided fairly late in pre-production to turn it all around. But surely there had to be something with a movie that had a story from Robert Zemeckis and Bob Gale (a script that was written as old as the 1980s). Or not, because the story ended up being done by A.L. Katz and Gilbert Adler (Gale stated that the changes made were so bad that he never saw the film after the early cut). Producer Joel Silver got his way with casting, so instead of Daniel Baldwin as the lead and Robin Givens for the adversary...you get Dennis Miller paired against Angie Everhart. Adler had been a director on two episodes of the show (as well as producer) before directing this film, the only theatrical effort he has ever done (he has since been a producer on a litany of movies such as Valkyrie [2008]). 

The shoot and script of the film ended up going through the wringer with its key presences: Miller improvised nearly every line of his dialogue and even with a shoot that was rescheduled to work around his HBO show (effectively shooting on weekends), he was "too tired" at certain points to actually show up, for which some scenes were shot with a stand-in. Eleniak apparently wanted to take the movie seriously as an actress (to the point where she did not come out of her trailer besides filming) and reportedly wanted changes to the script to make her character not be a stripper but instead a religious advocate; she contended that her big line of contention was not wanting a "sexy" scene between her and Everhart specifically because it wasn't on the script while noting her disappointment at script changes that meant her character's secret past of being an ex-porn 300 pound star was deleted. On a budget of roughly $2.5 million, the movie barely made over double of its budget back. There were no more "Tales from the Crypt presents" movies, although Ritual (2002) later had a home video release with a newly filmed intro of the Crypt Keeper.

I should mention this is an 87-minute movie, but only 80 when taking out the credits. The first seven minutes show you an introduction involving the key from the last movie being used to help subdue a great vampire before you get interrupted with a three-minute interlude to see a mummy and the Cryptkeeper engage in a silly conversation about films. You get quickly to the title of the film involving a bordello and, well, vampire prostitutes. Unfortunately, you also get to Dennis Miller around the 21-minute mark. My first worry upon seeing his first scene was "oh God, is he going for a discount version of Jim Rockford from The Rockford Files?" It may interest you to know this is the first (and so far only) movie with Miller as a lead presence, and I'm sure at least someone in their mid-thirties or forties know about Miller as a stand-up comedian/talk show host in his heyday. With basically an hour of what you might term a performance, let's start with a ripoff of one of his jokes: the only difference between a bad performance and a tired performance is that in a bad performance you hear every single problem, and in a tired performance you see it. He really thought he could just yuk it up and coast on his lines ("I Feel like I'm in a bad Tales from the Crypt episode" - you are in a bad one!), and to call it embarrassing would be an understatement, because there is no semblance of charm found here. 

If you don't care about the lead in a vampire comedy, what's there to care about for the rest on down? Eleniak might actually be outclassed by Everhart (who has the excuse of little acting experience as a model), who at least gives you some sort of campy enjoyment whereas the other looks as if they actually would be better off being in a Baywatch episode. Feldman*, Sarandon, and Fondacaro just seem to have little to actually do before getting to bite the dust. My god, they made a movie with vampires operating a whorehouse and did the bare minimum! The attempted angle of positioning a seedy reverend getting in league with vampires to deal with sinners could've been something, but it all just comes off as lazy, as if they didn't have anything else to really go with the creatures besides killer tongues and not being captured on video camera. When you do a sequence of vampires getting taken down to "Ballroom Blitz" via holy water-filled super-soakers and just roll your eyes, you know you are in trouble. It isn't even worth getting down to the climax, where I guess it doesn't really matter to cut a heart of a vampire and take 'em out completely if it wasn't for the silly little matter of "surprise" endings (even Tales from the Darkside had better ideas). As a whole, there are a few decent effects and gore to accompany the movie, but Bordello of Blood never rises above lazy B-movie standards with actual commitment or charm to make it worth it. 

Overall, I give it 5 out of 10 stars.

Next up: Messiah of Evil.

Song of the day!

*The actual joke told by Miller as found on Wikipedia: "The only difference between group sex and group therapy is that in group therapy you hear about everyone's problems, and in group sex you see them."

*Feldman is a weird guy in many matters: this matter or the one non-laughing matter.

The Lost Boys.

Review #1745: The Lost Boys.

Cast: 

Jason Patric (Michael Emerson), Corey Haim (Sam Emerson), Dianne Wiest (Lucy Emerson), Barnard Hughes (Grandpa), Edward Herrmann (Max), Kiefer Sutherland (David Powers), Jami Gertz (Star), Corey Feldman (Edgar Frog), Jamison Newlander (Alan Frog), Billy Wirth (Dwayne), Alex Winter (Marko), and Brooke McCarter (Paul) Directed by Joel Schumacher (#197 - Phone Booth, #217 - Batman Forever, #218 - Batman & Robin)

Review: 

“Warner Bros. took a big chance with this movie, and with me, because they really didn’t know what the heck I was doing."

The 1980s must have been an interesting time for horror fans to see come out on the screen, particularly for folks who wanted to see a fresh rendition of the vampire. They certainly got their money's worth with this spectacle, one that definitely owes as much to MTV as it does to Peter Pan. There were a sea of movies with vampires in that era (and, of course, a great one with Nosferatu the Vampyre in 1979) such as The Hunger (1983), Fright Night (1985), Lifeforce (1985), and even The Monster Squad (1987). But when it comes down to lingering influence, one can't ignore the lasting endurance of The Lost Boys, which inspired filmmakers such as Joss Whedon. The original idea came from James Jermias, a grip at the time on studio lots that had read Anne Rice's 1976 novel Interview with the Vampire (which if you remember had its own adaptation in 1994), which led him to think about Peter Pan and the idea of vampires that could come out at night to fly without growing up (hence the title). He wrote the screenplay with Janice Fischer in 1984, but their idea involved pre-teens rather than adults (for example, the Frog brothers were written originally as eight-year-old Boy Scouts and the character of Star was a boy). The following year resulted in the script being sold for a fair sum with plans to have Richard Donner direct, albeit with a re-write. Jeffrey Boam was brought in to do a fresh draft, but Donner would not be around to direct, since Lethal Weapon soon was offered to him. Enter Schumacher. If you remember, he had gotten his start in Hollywood as a costume designer before dabbling into screenwriting with Car Wash (1976), with directing coming in The Incredible Shrinking Woman (1981) before having his first notable hit with St. Elmo's Fire (1985), which had been produced by Lauren Shuler, who recommended Schumacher for this film. If it wasn't for the fact that he developed ideas of his own upon seeing the script (which he described as "Goonies Go Vampire", complete with a cave), he would have turned it down...instead, he found inspiration involving teenaged vampires with motorcycles (for his part, he believed vampires to be a metaphor for oral sex), one that he tasked to make the "coolest vampire movie ever made" (in his words). At any rate, the film is generally considered one of Schumacher's most enduring works, which included a few more horror films in a three-decade career before his death in 2020.

Honestly, it did take me a while to buy into this film, mostly because one has to remember that Schumacher really seems to have a fascination with getting pretty shots that might as well have been edited for a music video before getting on with creeping weirdness. But it always manages to keep you drawn in with the characters of the night with a curious charisma to go with wonderful design and effects that make for a fun time. Sure, it is a horror film, but that doesn't mean that there aren't a few tinges of humor to ride along with the experience in offbeat characters. Of course, one has to start with the lead in Patric, who actually had to be convinced repeatedly to do the film; he does a fine job here, one that has to balance calmness with eccentrics at every turn that either want to party or take him. Haim matches him just as well, probably best exemplified by the scene where one finds out the other is a vampire with a mirror and all one can say is that they are going to tell on 'em to mother. Wiest is the general strait-laced one of the main triangle that we are introduced to, and she makes it count with useful grace that is warm to follow on the side when not thinking too much about creeps at night. Undeniably, the highlight of the film is Sutherland, who has the most presence among the vampire cast-mates despite not having as many lines as the others; regardless of line count, he gives it his all in evocative charisma in a way that hadn't been seen in a vampiric lead in quite a bit of time, one that oozes along with carefree life befitting the requirements needed for a creeping film of wild living in the night. Feldman and Newlander make a worthy pair of offbeat hunters, selling it beat by beat in half-hearted chuckles. The same can be applied to Hughes, who actually might be my favorite presence in terms of his stubborn approach to everything that includes various traits such as "going out to the country" by turning on the ignition and doing nothing and acting stoic when it comes to the climax with vampires formerly around him. Others do well in smaller focus such as a hazy Gertz and a ruffled Herrmann, but one will find plenty to keep interest for 98 minutes. It moves with the mood of a glossy project with appropriate music trimmings (such as Tim Cappello performing "I Still Believe" in full detail and sax) and a worthy look that I think hits most of its marks with the right touch of effectiveness without becoming a cliché of the youth.

 

The film was a fair hit on release, making back its $8.5 million budget three times over while being a considerable video hit. There were ideas of doing another Lost Boys film with Schumacher involved (with his suggestions being one set during the 1906 San Francisco Earthquake and a "Lost Girls" film), but they never came to pass; instead, two direct-to-video sequels came with Lost Boys: The Tribe (2008) and Lost Boys: The Thirst (2010), which each featured just Feldman and Newlander returning to their roles. Sure, The Lost Boys might be an acquired taste for folks that have their own preferences for vampire horror (with or without tinges of humor), but when it comes to glossy roaring chaos, no one is better suited for such material than Schumacher, and he milks it all for what is needed in curious entertainment. In a decade with a handful of re-inventions, one can't go wrong with The Lost Boys for a fresh take on the desires that comes with eternal youth and bloodlust in all of its weird trappings.

Overall, I give it 8 out of 10 stars.

Next Time: Candyman (1992).

The Goonies.

Review #1700: The Goonies.

Cast: 

Sean Astin (Michael "Mikey" Walsh), Josh Brolin (Brandon "Brand" Walsh), Jeff Cohen (Lawrence "Chunk" Cohen), Corey Feldman (Clark "Mouth" Devereaux), Jonathan Ke Huy Quan (Richard "Data" Wang), Kerri Green (Andrea Theresa "Andy" Carmichael), Martha Plimpton (Stephanie "Stef" Steinbrenner), John Matuszak (Lotney "Sloth" Fratelli), Anne Ramsey (Mama Fratelli), Robert Davi (Jake Fratelli), Joe Pantoliano (Francis Fratelli), Mary Ellen Trainor (Irene Walsh), Keith Walker (Irving Walsh), Steve Antin (Troy Perkins), and Lupe Ontiveros (Rosalita) Directed by Richard Donner (#075 - Scrooged, #355 - Lethal Weapon, #356 - Lethal Weapon 2, #547 - Superman, #619 - Maverick, #731 - Lethal Weapon 3, #734 - Lethal Weapon 4, #1452 - The Omen, #1542 - 16 Blocks)

Review: 

Richard Donner was a director that managed to channel a long career in film through his versatility and consistency. He honed his craft through television in the late 1950s and the 1960s while making his start in film with X-15 (1961) before having his breakthrough with The Omen (1976) that continued with the film that defined superhero adaptation for a generation with Superman (1978). He directed twenty films from 1961 to 2006 alongside taking time to produce films with his wife Lauren with the Donners' Company before his recent passing early this month. The Goonies was the eighth feature directed by Donner, and it certainly serves as one of the most interesting collaborations between filmmakers, if you think about it. Steven Spielberg contributed the story (which was his last story credit until A.I. Artificial Intelligence in 2001) while also serving as executive producer with Amblin Entertainment as the main production company, while Chris Columbus (best known for his work on Gremlins the year before) wrote the screenplay (the second of three collaborations as writer to an Amblin production, which closed with Young Sherlock Holmes the same year). I will admit that the curiosity for watching this film has varied wildly over the past few years, although some movies slip by the cracks when you grow up past being a kid (which happened about over a thousand reviews ago). But hey, I guess one needs imagination now and then, whether that involves riding bikes with friends, them telling you about big events in their life so you don't hear it second-hand, saving the community, or pirate treasure involving dead pirates. It depends on how much one can dwell on the adventure and the craftsmanship taken to get to that point in the guise of a movie for kids with plenty of syrupy tone to go around. If you thought E.T. the Extra Terrestrial (1982) was too odd to try and experience for oneself in terms of "connected" aliens for the kid at heart, why not go a different direction with a tilt awhirl of feel-good adolescence? At least one can't say that the vision of the director isn't consumed by the habits of their producer (this is more true for other features with Spielberg as a producer with Tobe Hooper's Poltergeist (1982) or Joe Dante's Gremlins (1984), for example). While there were rumblings of a potential follow-up for a number of years, no sequel has come from it (or even a remake), which seems to be appropriate no matter how much one likes the film (because, really, who needs to break the illusion?).

This is one of those movies that could be thought of as "classic-proof" to those who like it. For me, I just call it "okay-proof" and shrug my shoulders. The level of enjoyment depends on the level of patience one has for the contrivances displayed on screen (maps in the attic that happen to lead to treasure, the amount of booby traps in the road to the ship, finding jewels right before a big signing moment, et cetera). It likely hasn't aged as well as other highlight films that grabbed the attention of its audiences in the 1980s, but it does manage to have an appeal within a game cast and some interest in maintaining adventure after a sluggish start that will surely leave one satisfied enough with the concoction brewed by Donner. The kids are kids, really. I think at least one of the kids will remind you of yourself, so I suppose that is more of a compliment than if I was instead bored by syrupy sentiment or self indulgency, and this is for a film where four of its main seven kid actors are making their film debut (Astin, Brolin, Green, Cohen) and the most experienced actor is Feldman. In that sense, Brolin stands out the best among the fresh folks, mostly because his beleaguered elder presence is the most refreshing to see through the film, which is then followed by Plimpton, who provides fair timing to accommodate a mild Green (with milder chemistry shared against Brolin). Astin is fine, in the sense that he holds well to the quivering balance of adventure and goofball folks without seeming like a slam brand of bland man (of course, the scene at the well is hit-and-miss for me, but hey, if it is indeed your time, go ahead). Cohen did exactly one feature film before eventually deciding to study law, so I think it all makes out well for some decent comic relief that is more than just "haha Truffle shuffle". Feldman maneuvers fine in mouthy charm, while Quan gets to have a few chuckles with the gadget sight gag cycle. Sure, the kids are fine and all, but I find the adult trio of Ramsey-Davi-Pantoliano to be far more curious to view from time to time, particularly if one views them as a prototype for the foils in Home Alone (1990; Columbus did co-write the script for the film, after all). Ramsey generates a few chuckles for what is needed in that friendly balance of cartoon and cruelty that results in plenty of curiosity and moments to view with brazen warmth. The same goes for Davi and Pantoliano, each of which clearly had bigger and better roles to come when it comes to cultivate distinct presences beyond just "the heavy" (which works when using a trained singer doing opera for a joke). Football player-turned-actor Matuszak plays the heavy with the right balance of strength and timing to not become just an effects-show. Honestly, the best parts of the movie come out best when the film doesn't turn on the hokum full blast; it is nice film to look at when it comes to its trek across the water for a ship, and seeing a bunch of skeletons around does at least make the danger seem apparent to make sure one isn't too lost in syrupy antics for gold. It can be fun for those who want to have fun with it, and that will surely work enough for those who buy into the execution of a few gags of humor to go with its eventual end shot, which I admit is a nice touch. I can't quite go so far as to label it as a refined classic, but the lasting appeal has been there in the 36 years that have followed its release for those in need of movies with "heart", if you will.

Overall, I give it 7 out of 10 stars.

Movie Night: The Magic Voyage.

Review #467: The Magic Voyage.

Cast
Dom DeLuise (Christopher Columbus), Corey Feldman (Pico), Irene Cara (Marilyn), Dan Haggerty (The Swarm Lord / King Ferdinand IV), Mickey Rooney (Narrator), and Samantha Eggar (Queen Isabella) Directed by Michael Schoemann.

Review
The director stated (I kid you not) that this film was to be: "intended to be a film about the discovery of America (Side note: I wonder what the Vikings would say about this...) from a more satirical view in order to differentiate ourselves clearly from the lofty views of history so we can present Columbus as a lovable, charming and befuddled scholar."

The film was made in 1992 originally for German audiences as Die Abenteuer von Pico und Columbus (which roughly translates to The Adventures of Pico and Columbus), as it would be later dubbed in English twice, being released in 1993, just around the 500th anniversary of Columbus' voyage, in which he landed in the Bahamas (as he never actually landed in North America). Given my day off for Columbus Day (which makes me wonder why it's only for Columbus and not for other explorers like Magellan, Ericson, or even explorers in space), I decided to review this.

Why did I talk so much about the film's history? Because I can't decide which is weirder, the film or its history. The main question of the film can be thought of almost immediately after starting to watch this film, and the question is: When did the film get so crazy? Likely answers would be either when Columbus speaks to the woodworm, the fact that a woodworm knows the Earth is round, when the Swarm Lord (No I am not making this up) is introduced, or...all of the above. Halfway through, I started wondering if 1492: Conquest of Paradise or Carry On Columbus would've been better or worse then this, but I'm sure someone else has already answered that for me. The dubbing is notably ad libbed, but not even Dom Deluise can brighten up the film. The animation is poor at times, resembling more of a television movie then an actual motion picture. Trying to mention the inaccuracies that the film has would take way too long to write, and writing so much isn't something I try to do all the time, because I've always assumed no one likes reading a wall of text without some breathing room. You may wonder if there are any redeemable factors in this film, and...there isn't. The terrible animation, the even worse dubbing, the fact this was even made, and just the inane nature of this whole film. Fittingly, the film ends with Columbus musing that there will be a city made on the place they landed in, which turns out to be...New York City. Such a inaccurate statement for such a terrible film. I'd give this film a negative rating if I had to, but since I can't, this film gets to join Birdemic: Shock and Terror and The Garbage Pail Kids Movie in such a non-prestigious honor.

Overall, I give it 0 out of 10 stars.

Movie Night: Stand By Me.

Review #180: Stand By Me.

Cast
Wil Wheaton (Gordie Lachance), River Phoenix (Chris Chambers), Corey Feldman (Teddy Duchamp), Jerry O'Connell (Vern Tessio), Kiefer Sutherland (Ace Merill), and Richard Dreyfuss (Narrator) Directed by Rob Reiner (#108 - This is Spinal Tap, #232 - The Princess Bride)

Review
This film was adapted from the novella The Body by Stephen King, which I haven't read (Actually I haven't read anything from King nor reviewed any movies from them until now) The acting is good, with young talents doing adult like quality, with Wheaton, Phoenix, and Feldman being the main standouts. This is one of those trip movies, where some go on a trip, but their's is different from most trips, and yet the film can be fun and be serious at times that entertains after over 25 years.

Overall, I give it 9 out of 10 stars.

Movie Night: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Review #056: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Cast
Judith Hoag (April O'Neil), Elias Koteas (Casey Jones), with Corey Feldman (Donatello), Brian Tochi (Leonardo), Robbie Rist (Michelangelo), Josh Pais (Raphael), Kevin Clash (Splinter), and David McCharen (Shredder) Directed by Steve Barron.

Review
This was part of my "Movies in Oregon" series, where I reviewed movies while on vacation at my half brother's house in Beaverton, Oregon. These reviews were originally posted on a site called Star Pirates, and the reviews may have been rushed, so I've fixed this review up a little, in light of the new Turtles film. Enjoy. 

This film is admittedly fun to watch with fun action and actually follows a well balanced plot. It's mostly harmless in the sense that it doesn't really have many flaws for a flick that aims fine, and hits excellently. The acting is decent, with some good animatronics and decent voice acting. The characters are charming, and fun to watch interact with one another. The movie has a balance of action and light-hearted fun that works well for a movie like this. This is a good flick that would inspire two sequels (II: Secret of the Ooze and III) that wouldn't be as good as the first.

Overall, I give it 8 out of 10 stars.