Cats (2019)

Review #1313: Cats.

Cast: 
James Corden (Bustopher Jones), Judi Dench (Old Deuteronomy), Jason Derulo (Rum Tum Tugger), Idris Elba (Macavity), Jennifer Hudson (Grizabella), Ian McKellen (Gus the Theatre Cat), Taylor Swift (Bombalurina), Rebel Wilson (Jennyanydots), Francesca Hayward (Victoria), Laurie Davidson (Mr. Mistoffelees), Robbie Fairchild (Munkustrap), Mette Towley (Cassandra), Steven McRae (Skimbleshanks), Danny Collins (Mungojerrie), Naoimh Morgan (Rumpleteazer), Ray Winstone (Growltiger), and Les Twins (Plato and Socrates) Directed by Tom Hooper.

Review: 
Of course the review of the worst film of the year is the 1,313th review. Triskaidekaphobia fever couldn't be at an all-time high right now. Welcome to the late night shift of a New Year's Eve doubleheader.

Of course this film is a dud. I can't even use the excuse that I went with someone to see it (my mother, when it occurred to me that I hadn't taken her to the movie theater in quite some time), because I basically goaded her (and in a sense, myself) to picking this one, because who can resist seeing...cats? As it turns out, quite a few people, judging from the fact that this is already projected to deliver losses for Universal Pictures, and it only has been out for less than two weeks. It seemed like this was a film destined for ridicule (and not much else) from the moment one got a view of yet another example of the uncanny valley - this time with cats. In fairness, utilizing CGI and motion-capture technology does seem like something that probably could've worked in making an alright movie - too bad it is utilized for an absurd mess. This is an adaptation of the stage musical of the same name composed by Andrew Lloyd Webber, with its original London (1981) and Broadway (1982) productions setting records for longest-running stage productions for several years; the musical in turn was based on T. S. Eliot's poetry collection Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats (1939), which was a childhood favorite of Webber. In 1998, he oversaw the orchestration for a direct-to-video musical film, retaining Gillian Lynne (the original choreographer of the musical), which had a few cuts and a new stage to recreate the musical with a mix of cast members from various productions of Cats that ran 115 minutes (this film happens to be five minutes shorter, oddly enough). All of this foundation that I am writing is really more to just make sure that I am not running blind into writing about a film adaptation of something that did not have much plot to begin with. Context helps sometimes - but it can't quite mask the very fact that this is a vacant kind of movie, one that will inspire plenty of giggles for the few who dare to encounter it.

Think about this - exactly who was this made for? Exactly who in this cast comes out with much dignity? One could simply just say veteran actors like Dench and McKellen, whose crucial parts have a bit more impact than the others (in the same way that one big bite of familiarity seems better than literally anything else). Perhaps one could say Corden and Wilson, who are at least meant to generate a few laughs (the result being mixed, if one is incredibly generous) - on second thought, maybe not. Maybe it is Hayward, a member of The Royal Ballet that at least clears the bar of having a better film debut than Kurt Thomas from Gymkata (1985). Or perhaps it is Elba, who seems like he is having some silly fun. On the other hand, Derulo and Hudson won't quite garner as much appreciation, if only because mediocrity is everyone's excuse when it comes to such ridiculous material (with co-writing and co-producing duties belonging to its director). I suppose Davidson and Swift do just fine - I can't even remember their time on screen. No one so much delivers a bad performance as they just seem completely lost in the ridiculousness of what is going on around them. For pete's sake, it's a bunch of actors with VFX dots singing song after song with large sets (get it, because they are cats) that twist the film around in such a mawkish way to the point where parody seems too kind for this dreck. Sometimes it really does go to show that not every musical needs to become a film - or at least not every movie needs to be done in live-action - for pete's sake, I think people would've at least tried to accept an attempt at making a cat costume (you know, like in a play). It never really feels like interesting camp either, as if big colors and a pale execution really is going to work - apparently the director finished final work on the film the day before its world premiere, which didn't seem to matter too much, since that version ended up being modified due to reports of CGI glitches. I would almost think the next folly to befall this film would be a stunt involving releasing a pack of cats throughout the movie theater to ''generate good attention'', but alas that isn't quite the case. How does one really judge this film fairly? Is it really just too weird for its own good? It shows traces of garish camp that at least makes the things around the singing-singing-singing things seem like an okay place to look forward to, but a middling attempt at an arching plot leads to confusion and overall frustration that leads to a bit of boredom. You could probably take a nap during the film and still be just as confused at what is really going on. The people who made this film behind the camera and the people who starred in the film may recover just fine from embarrassment like this, but it sure won't be forgotten in years to come. Honestly, there is only one way to describe the film: it is an utter cat-astrophe that deserves to be hairballed in the litterbox when it comes to execution, a felined-felony that deserves to be clawed out of its misery.

Next Review: To close out 2019, Movie Night ventures out and picks a Western to once again serve as the year finale with True Grit (1969).

Overall, I give it 4 out of 10 stars.